Life is Liz (LiL, #1)

Chapter 66: Intricate Thoughts

By now I'd leaned forward, bent over with my head on my knees, trying to escape their grabbing hands, trying to shake off the fist that enclosed my heart and escape the ache in my chest. My hands delved into my hair, yanking and pulling, trying to make the pain stop with more pain.

I was moments from passing out, black spots dancing around my vision when the car suddenly came to a stop. The second my escape route was cleared, I stumbled out of the vehicle, half blind on my feet. The moment I touched the ground and was out of the confined space, the grip on my heart let up.

And then.

Air.

Blissfull, sweet oxygen.

I gulped it in like a man drowning.

Greedily, I filled my lungs with air until they were overflowing. Until I was coughing and gagging on my swallows. I groped for something solid, afraid of pitching forward in my delirium. I found a door handle and slid down what I found to be the passenger side. Knees drawn up to my chest, my head fell backward with exhaustion, eyes drawn shut. A cold breeze swept over me and I almost moaned, savoring the wind. Despite myself, I noticed my tired body shaking slightly from the cold.

My form was slumped against the car and I wanted nothing more than to lie down on the ground and take a break. Maybe sleep for a little while.

"Bee?"

Languidly, I forced my eyes open and saw Alex, crouched next to me. The look on his face was one of concern. Tiredly, I tried my best to smile, eyelids falling shut against my will.

"Are you okay?" I heard him move and sit down next to me When our arms touched there was no cage around my heart. Not because it was Alex, but because I was out of the prison called car.

My head moved in a pathetic attempt of a nod before it tipped sideways onto his shoulder, too tired to carry my own head. The feeling of loss deep inside of me consumed me as I let myself lean against him. Really, I wanted nothing more than to pitch forward and lie down with my head in his lap, cushioning my circling thoughts.

Then there were footsteps. When I opened my eyes next, Miles was crouching beside me on my left. He regarded me in a moment of silence then he asked, "Panic attack?" The look in his eyes was one of recognition.

Momentarily, I wondered how he'd figured it out so quickly. Then again, I guess it was pretty obvious.

I nodded in confirmation then pried my jaws apart to speak. "The guys?" I drawled, forcing myself to confront reality.

"I told them to give you some space," Alex answered. "But they weren't happy about it." Surely, they were freaking out right about now since I hadn't let them in on my little secret.

"I'll go talk to them and make sure they give you time to collect yourself," Miles offered. I smiled a tired smile at him, but he was already on his way. At this point, I didn't care what he told them. I was too exhausted to care.

I snuggled further into Alex side, hugging his arm in both of mine. "Alex," I breathed. "Thank you."

His lips pressed against my forehead, his free hand coming to rest on my knee. "For You. Always."

His voice whispered its way into my chest as though he was trying to help me collect that missing piece that always left me during a panic attack. My soul.

No such luck on that front whatsoever.

"Here, you are freezing." He slung a jacket around my shoulders and tucked me against his side, more securely this time. Like he was trying to protect me from another panic attack that would surely rip me away from him. The warmth of the soft fabric did little for the cold inside of me. "Can I ask you what triggered it?"

A deep exhale escaped my lips.

It was the one thing I was meant to keep an eye on until next week, according to my therapist. It was in our last session that we'd discovered that I developed an aversion for people after experiencing a panic attack. It wasn't something excessive. I just avoided them and especially kept from touching anyone for a short period afterward. However, it wasn't a pattern that my mind followed, it happened after every second panic attack or so. It differed from attack to attack.

"It felt like some form of claustrophobia. Only with people. Although, the car surely didn't help." I spoke slowly, forcing my vocal chords to work was a tiring task to achieve. "But there are some other factors that made it worse."

"Like?"

"Lack of sleep and food."

The crease between his brows deepened further and in me arose the sudden urge to smooth it out with my fingers. I suppressed it. "Well, that's something we can change." He reached up into the back seat for my bag and provided me with cookies.

Instantly, nausea rolled over me at the sweet smell. I couldn't stand the thought of eating anything especially something as sugary as these cookies. They were simply too much for my empty stomach to handle and the panic attack hadn't helped one bit, leaving me on the brink of feeling sick.

"If I eat anything I might throw up," I warned him.

He pulled one out and studied it in his hand like it was a riddle he was adamant to solve. "Are they really that bad?" he asked before sniffing and taking a bite. A tired smile tugged at my lips as he grimaced. "Eww, peanut butter."

A small laugh bubbled up from the cold vacuum in my rib cage. At the sound, his head turned. A full blown smile graced his lips as he watched my face contort.

"Well, I like them."

"That's because you're too nice to say anything bad. Everything concerning peanut butter tastes disgusting to me I really shouldn't have been the one to give the green light." He shook his head at himself.

He was too cute.

"No, Alex," I disagreed with his first statement, "it's because you baked them."

He stared at me, face so close to mine I could count the flecks of amber in his eyes. His breath kissed my skin as his gaze zeroed in on my lips. Immediately, my mind circled back to my prior thoughts. Could it be true? He did try to kiss me once.

The intense green sucked me in until our foreheads touched. "Bee-"

"Liz!"

We jerked apart. The guys were rushing towards us, all of them had a look of confusion and concern etched into their faces. Apparently, it was time to face the music.

They had a lot of questions and I tried my best to answer them all truthfully. Turns out, my friends were only partly mad at me for keeping the panic attacks from them.

Alex suggested that I should sit in the passenger seat for the rest of the drive. Everybody agreed.

It wasn't long after, that we finally arrived at our destination and a weekend full of fun.

Let the bonding time begin.

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Hello to all of you beautiful people,

The chappy: A little fillerish, but also very important concerning Liz state of mental health. Hopefully, you still enjoyed it.

There's one chapter left of Life is Liz. 

Please comment/vote?

Love always,

Kathy