Save Me·Jamilton

Chapter Five;Thomas POV

Love is a feeling. An emotion. Yet, it's so hard to understand. It's confusing. Love is when you care deeply about someone. Love is scary. You never know how they may react. Imagine your dating someone and you fall in love with someone else.

You become confused. You don't want to hurt the first person but you only want to be with the second. What becomes of you then? You don't want anyone to blame you. Because it isn't your fault. You don't decide what your heart wants, what it wants, who it wants. You just can't imagine being with the first person. You want a life with the second one but you can never know how they'll react.

Maybe he's dating a very sweet man who you know didn't deserve to lose him. But this man you fell for has attached himself to you. No, you attached yourself to him at the wrong time. He loves someone and you do too. You want him. But your not what he wants. People will give you hope. So what I guess I'm trying to say is, brace yourself. You never know when someone is gonna reject you like that. Cheat on you. Stop loving you but they stay. You don't want to have that feeling. You hate the feeling and it's slowly killing you from the inside.

You just want it to be over. You wish you could trust it but you can't. You could fall in love with your enemy, a teacher, a criminal. It doesn't always work out. But sometimes it does. Because people have hope. So what I'm saying, if you love someone who you think doesn't like you back, go for it. The worse they can do is reject you. Then if they don't? You have someone who will love you for a very long time.

Just as I finished up the last sentence I looked over at Alex. he had like 15 pages done. I quickly sent it in and waited for the bell. When it rang I got up to leave the class but I was stopped by Washington. "I have to talk to you." He said and made me stay back as everyone left.

"This is very specific. Are you speaking from your own experience." Shit, he knew. Alexander gave me a questioning look, "um...go ahead without me. I'll meet you in the dorm." I said smiling at him. He nodded and left, closing the door behind him. Washington eyed me warily. "Is it..him? Do you like my son? When your dating James? And he's dating John?" I sighed and nodded slowly. "Oh Thomas..." he said. It hurt me. "I don't want to hurt James but I know Alex will never like me. He has this amazing guy who is actually the greatest person ever. John protects him..I can't be the one to do that." I told him. I was being completely honest.

"I met him two days ago. And yet so much has happened. He's known John for- I don't even know how long! He's happy. And That's okay...But I just wish it was me who he smiled like that to. I wish I could hold him like John does...I want him to be happy...Just, I want to be the one to make him happy. Is that bad?" I asked as he stared down at me. "It's bad isn't it.." I said, feeling the tears form. "No, Thomas! It isn't bad at all! Sometimes you just...can't control yourself..It's not bad at all. We're only human." He said and gave me a hug. "Thanks George." "that's Mr.Washington to you." I laughed a bit and pulled away from him. "Thank you. For everything you have ever done for me. But please don't tell Alex about this." I gave him a genuine smile when I saw him nod at me and I left his classroom. I had been with George for about an hour and when i made it to my dorm I could hear Alexander typing onto his laptop. The tapping of the keys were strangely comforting. I closed the front door and the tapping stopped. He walked out of his room and looked at me concerned. "Are you okay? What happened?" "I'm fine." "What did he tell you?" He asked a bit panicky which confused me.

"He talked to me about my essay. But I'd rather not go into detail." He nodded but I knew he wanted to know. "Wanna watch a movie? We can rent Hacksaw Ridge?" I asked as he stared at me confused like I was back when I asked him what Sister, sister was.

"It's a movie with Andrew Garfield." "The guy from Angels In America?" I nodded as he smiled. "Sure." "What's it about." "You'll see." I told him and turned on the tv.

"He couldn't save Smitty...He couldn't save Smitty!" Alexander yelled, "shut up and watch the movie." He kept making small comments about Desmond not saving Smitty. Then he remembered this was a true story and he began sobbing at the end of the movie. "H-he....he couldn't s-save S-Smitty Thomas!" he stuttered. "I think we should head to sleep." He wiped away his tears and we turned off the tv and went to our rooms.

Once again I was having trouble sleeping. Then my phone screen lit up.

A-bae;You still up?

J-bae;Yeah

A-bae;wanna just..talk?

J-bae;sure

I spent the whole night talking to this man. I couldn't help but feel so lovestruck with him. Everything he said was just so...amazing. Is this how Maria feels around Eliza? Everything about Alexander is amazing. I wanted to stop liking him but at the same time I didn't. For once I wanted to wish. I wanted to wish like it would come true. I wanted to see the stars, to hear the crickets of the night chirping. I wanted to know that no matter what I did, he would still be my friends. He would still keep me in his life. I wanted him to stay, to smile, to hug. To be happy.

I wanted him to like me.

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1832 words

Getting more serious now. I might be referencing some other Jamilton fanfictions from time to time or actual books.