BETA MINE (mxm || lgbtq)

Part 4

J A V I E R

"I've known Ivan since birth." I begin. I don't know how to say it but Abalon deserves to know. "My mother died while giving birth to me. There was no other female at that time that could have acted as my wet nurse. I was born to die. This was three years before Dr. Rocheford designed the baby formula that we're now using for Avery." Abalon frowns at me but he needs to know these things about me. He needs to know me.

"Ivan's mother went into labor a month before she was due and she agreed to feed me. Ivan and I grew up hand in hand after that. We did everything together and when I was little I would hope and pray that he would be my mate." I see the way Abalon's eyes harden but I swallow hard and continue.

"I wanted to be the one to always save him... like his mother did for me. I wanted to repay her for sharing herself with me like a mother should." I could remember my juvenile day dreams of growing old with Ivan at my side.

"Then Tyke returned from his self-imposed exile and he and Ivan recognized each other as mates. I was already irrevocably in love with Ivan by then." Abalon flinches but I can't mince words right now.

"Then a year after I found you and yet I could not accept you. I was hell bent on taking care of Ivan in any capacity that I could and you were just a hindrance to that." I know my words are hurting.

"In the beginning all I could think about was you. You filled every nook and cranny of my being. That's why I started having limited contact with you. I thought you were just a distraction and I focused even more on Ivan." Abalon's body stills. His breathing gone so shallow I almost try to check his pulse.

"I dedicated myself to only Ivan. That night I said his name..." I trail off when Abalon flinches again. I swallow past the lump in my throat and continue regardless.

"After I dropped Ivan off to his quarters I returned with his nightly cup of tea and he was on the phone with Tyke." I close my eyes, bracing myself for the rest of it, bracing myself for Abalon's reaction. Watching the way he too braces himself for my truth. Slow controlled breaths, eyes staying on me, never shifting. He's ready for the new pain I'm going to inflict on him.

"I stood outside his bedroom door and listened to them and then I came to you. I just... I always fantasized about what it would be like to be with Ivan sexually. When I was sixteen I used to day dream about us sharing passionate kisses and much, much more. That night after listening to them it dawned on me that I'll never have Ivan like that and while I was with you I let my mind wander. It wandered so far that I even said his name." Abalon wets his lips and gulps hard. He looks away from me for a few seconds. I disgust him. His jaws clenches tightly before he turns betrayed eyes back to me.

"How... How many times had you let your mind wander while with me?" Abalon asks and as hurt as I am by his question I can't blame him.

"Never. That was the only time." I answer truthfully. Abalon only nods and I take a deep breath because there's so much more he needs to know.

"When you asked me to reject you all I felt was anger. Not at you but at myself. I was such a shit mate to you that you'd rather risk insanity. Death, than to remain tethered to me." I close my eyes as the images of that day flash in my mind.

"And when your body hit the ground I felt like I died a thousand deaths. The possibility of you leaving me crippled me. Everything I forced myself to not feel for you attacked me. I swear my sanity would have been gone together with you." Abalon's body shudders in my arms and I press my forehead to his.

"I don't ever want to think of the prospect of never being with you again. I don't... I can't handle that again Abalon. I want you. So bad. I want... I need you." my eyes tear up but I don't hide them from him. He's my world now and he needs to know me from head to toes, inside and out.

"I've fallen in love with you so hard." I whisper it and he cries. Tears flow down his cheeks and it breaks my heart.

"You've given me the most precious gift-our Avery." I smile at him, it's killing me to say the next words but that's how much I love him.

"I love you so much that if you want to go with the Enforcers back to your old Pack then... the I'd let you go. I'd respect your wishes and stay away. I'd accept any challenges as retribution for my horrible treatment of you by any member of your family." I tell him. I don't narrow the potential challenges to males only because I know Abalon's mother would want her pound of flesh from me.

He deserves nothing less from me. He deserves everything I have to give and so much more. More than I could ever give him. I have nothing that he wants. I have nothing that he needs. I am nothing to him. I am nothing.

Maybe my death would free him from me. I would gladly accept his mother's retribution and I know it would take a miracle for me to survive it.

Abalon would. I know it. He's strong. The strongest man I've ever known. He'll care for Avery just fine. He's already such a wonderful dad.

******************************************

A/N

THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT!