BETA MINE (mxm || lgbtq)

Part 4

J A V I E R

I smile widely as I watch Abalon wash the dishes at my kitchen sink. He looks just perfect moving about the space and I can't help but day dream of him greeting me with a kiss and a huge smile of his own. We'd make slow love on lazy Sundays like this and just lay in bed talking about things. Little things, big things: our future together. But that's all it'll ever be, day dreams.

I pass quickly, my eyes on Abalon and it pains me the way his body tenses when he scents me. I don't stop to say a word instead I go up to our shared bedroom and shower my day's grime off and change into my pajamas before going back down to see what Abalon has prepared for dinner.

I smile when the aromas of our dinner reaches my nostrils. Abalon is such a good cook. I fear I would have to double my gym time if he keeps this up.

"Smells wonderful." I comment when he passes the mashed potatoes to me.

"Mmmh." Is all he hums as he sits opposite me and starts dishing his own meal. I wait till he starts eating then wait some more.

"What?" Abalon asks around his fork and I shrug.

When he finishes at least three quarter of his food I pass back all the dishes to him and he takes what he wants and hands them back to me. It is then that I eat what's left.

"Why do you do that?" Abalon asks and I swallow my food before I speak.

"I don't know. I just want to make sure you eat as much as you want. Pregnant mates are to eat as much as they need. Only then does the other mate eat." I tell him honestly. As a Beta and a Dominant mate it is added to our studies: How to be a dutiful mate and how to care for a pregnant one.

"Oh." Abalon mumbles and finishes his food in record time.

"Leave them. I'll wash up." I tell him when he attempts to clean his dishes.

"It's no problem." He says and turns on the taps.

"I know but you've made such a wonderful dinner that it is only fair that I do the dishes." Abalon sighs when I stand and turn off the taps. I dry his hands with a towel and guide him to the living room. I fluff up the huge pillow on the sofa and help him sit and lean back on it and place his feet up. I then hand him the TV remote and move back to my food.

I eat as quickly as I can when I look at the time. Abalon tries to go to bed at nine religiously and it's already thirty minutes to the said hour. Once I've finished putting away the leftovers and washing up the dishes I only have fifteen minutes to sit with him.

We're so awkward around each other. It's as if we're strangers forced to live under the same roof-technically we are though.

I sit at the far end of my ridiculously huge-and to be honest ugly-sofa that Abalon currently lays on. His ankles look swollen and looking pained so I lift his legs and place them on my lap. He tries to pull them off but I hold tight.

I take Yanamarie's advice when I called her and told her of how weird we are around each other and she told me to just follow my instincts. Being a mate should be natural so do whatever feels natural to me when it comes to caring for Abalon.

"Please." I whisper and Abalon frowns at me, our eyes locked in a silent argument. I begin rubbing his feet and he groans long and loud. Relief is clear in the sexy sound and I massage his feet while we watch a Disney movie about a dog that was turned into a human boy by a necklace.

I am trying to be what he needs. I am trying to be what he'd want. I'm trying so hard to make him feel welcomed in my house. That's all I could do really.

Try.

Try to be a good mate. A good father. A good friend. A good support system for Abalon. I know he sees my attempts at it and I see how he tries to appreciate it but I have damaged him too deeply. Too severely for him to take anything from me without confusion and guardedness.

I know he doesn't trust me yet, probably never will and I don't blame him. I did some cagey shit to him in our past. I've been a shit mate-still am in his eyes.

My eyes are drawn to his hand rubbing gently on his stomach and oh how I want to place my palm over it. I want to press my cheek to the flesh protecting my pup and feel the warmth there. Press my ear and listen to his or her heart beat. I'm afraid to even ask far less to be bold enough to touch him in such a way.

"I'm ready to go to bed Javier." Abalon says breaking me from my staring match with his stomach. I'm falling in love with them both.

"Okay." I gently place his feet on the carpet and help him up the stairs and into bed. I make a final round of the house and lock all the windows and doors before taking off the TV and joining Abalon under the covers.

"Good night." I whisper and he hums his own to me before his breathing evens out.

"Can I hold you?"

"No." he does not hesitate.  I wish he would agree just once.  Give me that much leeway.  But yet I am glad he does not. 

It's become a custom now to just stare at him while he sleeps until my own eyes droop shut.

"I'm trying for you. I'm trying Abalon." I whisper. I wish that sometimes he'd blow up on me. Yell and scream and bare his feelings on what's going on inside his head instead of just ripping me apart with well-placed comments that make my heart stutter in my chest.

I scoot closer and look at him. His smooth skin and silky hair making me want to caress it but I don't touch him. I can't touch him as if he is mine. He doesn't stir when I shuffle even closer until our noses are mere centimeters apart and I keep up my staring until my eyes feel tired.

Maybe tonight I won't dream of his body hitting the ground, the blood on my hands and his anguished eyes. Maybe I won't dream of burying him and our pup in the ground. Maybe I won't dream that I'm the one reaching into his chest and yanking his heart out.

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A/N

SOOOOOOO.... A TREAT CUZ I'M FEELING LIKE SHIT. MY THROAT HURTS LIKE A MOFO!!