Poetry

No more

I wonder if I'd ever understand love. To give and have the other give back. I see it everywhere. My friends find it so easily. They tell me it will come as I go another century alone while they go out with their fourth date this year. Some find it so easily I wonder if I'm missing something. Like a three hundred piece puzzle and I only have enough for the outline not wondering what the picture makes.
I've been in love sure. I remember the butterflies, the nervousness, the the knots in my stomach. The long nights of thinking about said love. But I never know what it feels like to be loved back. To be forgiven for mistakes or to be helped when I'm down. I only know the dark side of love. The betrayal and the broken promises. The love they use to find so amazing and warm is now the love they find the worst quality in me.

For a long time I thought the problem was me. I know I'm not tall like the other boys. I know my face isn't one to be admired. Even the color of my skin holds me back as others judge me without knowing me. I use to be torn apart inside. My heart eviscerated as I tried to find the problem in myself. But over the years as I mature I realized I'm not the problem. It's the others.

All the girls who have used me or cheated on me. The ones who took my love and made me feel like I'm the poison to love. I understand that not every chance is meant to be. And sometimes wounds sting real deep. But I have lost my love in my heart. To even think of a happy relationship is a fantasy amongst itself.

The problem with love is maybe I expect too much. Someone to care about me and help me grow as a better boyfriend. To know that I'm human and forgive me for my mistakes and love me when I break. To understand my complex heart and mind. My vast love and my crazy mental state. To have arguments with me and even when mad at me to still love and forgive as I do the same.  It's too much to just ask to be treated with love.
I know I'm not perfect I make my mistakes but I always try to do better I cry just over hurting the ones I love and yet I'm never good enough. One said my love is stupid for being so forgiving and seeing her flaws but still loving her and seeing the potential in her. The other cheats on me, the first one to do so, shattering my world. Its funny how she always use to say I was the boy of her dreams and treated me like the way she did. I guess she meant nightmares.

I dont understand love anymore. It doesn't make sense. Most around me find it so easy to find its second nature to them. They look down on me when I'm sad that I give and love and never ask for much while they can lose love and find another within a week.  Maybe love isnt what I thought it was. It's not the magic I once use to believe in. Maybe I'm wrong for holding love in such high regard and treating it like a precious gem. Maybe that's why I never found love. And maybe I never will. Sure I'm young as many say but youth has nothing to do with love. The world isnt fair and not everybody finds the one. Most die young and some die without ever finding the one.
They tell me to patient like I'm flirting 24/7 trying to find love or always thinking about it when I'm not. They tell me I'm stupid for just wanting a good woman and maybe they're right I am dumb for wanting to be treated right in an unjust world.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much again. Maybe in the end it doesnt even matter. Everybody who has love in the world it makes me happy others know the answer to the question I can never figure out. My friends and even my ex who cheated on me they all found love and I can never be mad at that. If I want love but can hate those who have it then I have never loved. For every couple I see for every sappy quote or love song I hear I smile while inside I shed a single tear.
Love is beautiful. No matter if I have it or not. I hope everybody can find love in their lives. Life is short and we all need love. But if I never find I'll still live my life. I'll accomplish my goals but sadly I'll never accomplish my dreams. For my dreams besides my passion for work is my strong passion to love somebody wholey for the rest of my life. To look somebody in their eyes and feel like the world is at peace.  For now I'll save my dreams for sleeping and deal with the cruel reality. That not every loving heart will find a home. But every heart can give its love to the world. And my love I will give till I am empty.
I will love