The Doctor

18

When Anna woke in the morning, Stella wasn't beside her and she breathed a sigh of relief (feeling slightly guilty afterwards). Maybe Stella had gone home and she wouldn't have to come clean about her past, but when she got up and sat on the side of the bed, she smelt the smell of coffee from the kitchen and realised she wasn't alone. All she could hope for was that Stella had forgotten that Anna was going to tell her something important.

Anna stretched her arms above her head and walked into the living room area, her eyes resting on Stella curled up on a seat watching the rainfall heavily on the street. Anna smiled, she wished there wasn't anything to talk about, but there was. 

"Hey," she said and went over to her, kissing her on the forehead before sitting down across from her.

"Hey." Stella looked at her with a blank face, she didn't know how to bring it up again and by the look on Anna's face, she was going to use Stella's politeness to her advantage and not be the one to start the conversation. Stella got up and went around to the kitchen. "You want me to cook you something?" 

Anna shook her head, Stella knew that she didn't eat breakfast, she was just trying to make conversation. 

"No, I'm good."

"Coffee?"

"Stella, if you want to know you just have to ask."

Stella looked up from the coffee pot and bit her lip nervously.

"Well," she began and walked back around to Anna, "do you want to tell me?"

"I don't want to tell anyone, but I have to and I will because..."

"Because?" Stella urged, searching Anna's face that was looking down at her hands.

She looked up and stared deeply into Stella's eyes.

"Because I love you and you deserve to know about me."

Stella wanted to smile like an idiot, but it wasn't the time, whatever this was about it sounded serious. 

"I love you, too, but if you aren't ready to tell me, it's fine."

"No, just let me..." Anna took a couple of deep breaths and relaxed into the couch more. "So, you know my brother died."

"Yeah," Stella said, she'd heard bits and pieces but never the full story, full stories weren't Anna's forte. 

"Well, he was young and pigheaded, he thought he could take on the world." Anna had started to cry, she sniffed and wiped her eyes. "He was at a nightclub in Sydney, he took a pill and was coming down so he was going home, he was nearly there, but he bumped into these thugs and they mugged him, if he wasn't so stupid and high, he'd have walked off, but he was both of these things. He fought back, they stabbed him three times and left him on the road to die."

Stella's hand was on her mouth, she never thought anything like this had happened. 

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"His friend brought him in," Anna kept going like there was no interruption, "to the hospital I was doing my residency at. It was just by chance that I was even on. I was the doctor that first saw him, but he was dying, anyone could have seen that. I called for the surgeons and for nurses, but he'd given up and he just smiled at me, squeezing my hand and when it went limp I just wanted to die. Apparently, they had to take me to an isolation room because I couldn't move or talk or do anything, I don't even remember. My parents picked me up, they blamed me, they still blame me, I was supposed to look after my little brother and plus I'm a doctor, no one is supposed to die when I'm looking after them. I couldn't stay with my parents for longer than a week, they tiptoed around me and I think it was mainly for their cases, like being around me would make them explode all their thoughts onto me, thoughts on how I killed Josh. I believed I did, too, for a long time. After his funeral, I got on the back of some guys motorbike and got smashed in a pub, went back to his place, took drug after drug and cried my eyes out." Anna stared out the window, tears were rolling down her cheeks and she shuddered in pain at recalling the memories. "It hurt so bad, everything was hurting and I couldn't breathe. I was found walking down a road in bare feet at three in the morning by a friend who just happened to be walking by and she took me to her place. I remember going into the bathroom and just staring at myself in the mirror, I looked so broken and desperate, I was high as a kite but being high only made everything clearer for some reason, I wanted to get out my head." Stella's stomach was tightening as Anna spoke, she knew what was coming, she could hear it in Anna's voice. Stella's own cheeks were wet with tears, she wanted to reach over and hold Anna in her arms forever, not letting go. "I opened up my friend's cabinet and looked around, I knew that I could easily just go down to the hospital when I was all fixed up and get something to really do the job, but at that moment I felt as if I was running out of time, like there was a clock ticking against my life. She had painkillers, I took the whole packet before hitting the ground and she walked in. I woke in the hospital, parents beside my bed to give me looks that I don't even know how to explain, it was disappointment, but it was also relief, looking at them made me sick. I went to shrinks and doctors, talked about my problems, got help and lied to Mum and Dad when they asked how I was going. I moved back out of their house after a month and started to drink, a lot. Every single morning and night I was smashed off my head, I couldn't even talk for a month, but I didn't need to because I was alone most of the time. I tried to kill myself twice more, I couldn't leave the house for a month, I didn't sleep for a full week once, I was pumped up on drugs, men were coming over each night, and something about being with you makes me think that somewhere in the drug and drink haze, there were a few girls as well. I was a wreck and probably on the road to actual success in my next suicide attempt, but I pulled myself together and left Australia, running from everything even though I know that isn't good. I was fine, I was going well until I was in the maternity ward with my friend and a baby and mother died in childbirth while I was there, I had to assist in it. I went straight to the nearest bar and didn't get out of bed for two days, I've been drinking ever since, nearly every day. I nearly stopped again, then it was as though history was repeating when that man died in my arms, it all felt too familiar. Alcohol helps me forget, it helps me not remember the feeling of blood ooze through my hands, the sound of my voice calling for help, the look in faces of people who are dying, it helps me not see my brother in every single 25-year old I see. I can get off, I can be clean, it wouldn't kill me, what would kill me is reliving everything without something to dull the edge."

Stella stared at Anna with shock and grief all over her face, she would never have guessed the reason behind Anna's vacant expression and glossed over conversations. She always thought they were just cute little things that made Anna, Anna, but they're not and she'd give everything she owned to see Anna actually happy. Stella moved closer to her on the couch and pulled her into her arms, letting her cry into her chest and she kissed the top of her head gently. Stella didn't say anything for a long time, she didn't know what to say and in all honesty, she didn't really need to say anything. Anna cried for a while, she felt as if she'd been relieved of keeping a huge secret to herself and now Stella could take some of the responsibility. She didn't know what Stella would think of it all if she'd want Anna to get professional help or to continue on drinking now she knew why. The latter option seemed unlikely considering Stella was a doctor and knew about all the problems it could cause. 

"I love you," Stella whispered over the top of Anna's head. "I love you for what you are, I couldn't care how damaged you are or think you are, I love you."

Anna nodded and tried to stop crying, biting down on her lip hard. 

"I want to be able to stop, I really do."

"We'll get through it," Stella said firmly, not knowing how on earth to do it but knowing it had to happen. "We'll get through it, I promise."