trashmouth [r. tozier]

F I F T E E N

Chapter song: Hold On by Chord Overstreet

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

"I just can't do it!" Richie murmured out and leaped from Bill's lap.
He heard a mixture of voices calling out for him, but that just made his legs run faster. His beat up black vans crushed grass and kicked at small pebbles.

Richie soon found himself at the edge of the road, and right next to the woods. Letting his lungs catch up to his actions; Richie stepped into the woods. Tiny twigs snapped under his feet. Richie glanced down to see a rather big rock, bending at the knee he picked it up.
Throwing his arm back, Richie launched the rock past his body and into the air.

"Ahhhhhhh!" He screamed out as he watched the rock fall to the ground aimlessly. Richie's feet began to lead him forward. He couldn't stop them if he tried.

Richie jumped over a rotting log, and planted his feet into the dirt. Twisting his body around in circles, Richie realized he didn't know what to do next. He didn't even know what he was doing in the forest. He should be marching right back to the house so everyone could make up. But, he didn't.

"Fuck," Richie quietly said aloud. Running his hand through his tangled curls, Richie sat down on the log.

"Fuck!" He shouted even louder. Hot, steaming tears trailed down his dirt stained face. He started to unbutton his over shirt, leaving Richie in a brown, torn up tee shirt.

He caught his eyes looking down at his bare arms. Scars laid upon Richie's inner forearms. All old. Stanley made him stop after he had caught Richie hurting myself once after his parents practically abandoned him. Stan was the only one who knew.
Richie promised him that he would never ever do it again, but hey, aren't promises meant to be broken?

Richie sighed, starring down at his shoes. Until something shiny caught his eye. A empty vodka bottle shining in the sun light. Taking his bottom lip in between his teeth, Richie stood up and walked over to it.

He picked it up out of the dirt and dusted it off. His mind was shouting at him. Creating a hurricane of horrible ideas in his mind.

"Let's do it," Ryan muttered to himself and threw the bottle to the ground. He watched as it shattered among the dirt and leafs.

A small smile slid across his lips as old habits started to reform. He squatted to pick up a piece of glass, not too small but also not too big. It was a shard from the neck of the bottle, the best kind in his opinion. Walking back to the log, Richie admired the glass once more. Once he was sitting, he placed the shard into his dominant hand.

⚠️

Richie felt the cold glass touch his bare skin, bringing back memories. He swallowed some spit that had built up, and swiftly ran the makeshift blade vertically up his arm. This action forced his eyes shut as Richie let out a shaky breath.

"Shit," Richie murmured out. Voices bickered within his skull. Richie reminisced on the old feeling. It felt good, though he knew it shouldn't have.
Flashes of Ryan danced across his mind. Her face smiling and laughing along to his dumb jokes. Her scent floated around his nostrils, as though she was there. Richie started to remember everything. Memories of the past two months suddenly were at the front of his brain.

Days splashing at the lake, and memorable sunsets. All spent with her. Their first kiss, and how it felt against his lips. The way he could still taste her chapstick for the next few hours. Ryan's laugh exploded into his thoughts, and the way she would roll her head back as she did.

All the times Ryan had spent the night at his house. They were filled with movie watching and careless whispering to each other. The world spun slower when they were alone. All she had to do was look at him for Richie's breath to be stolen. He didn't believe in soulmates, until the moment he saw her walking down the abandoned school hallway. They were each other's missing puzzle piece in the picture of life. Meant to be. Richie had made a mistake. He wasn't sure if he could take it back.

"Stop it!" He yelled and cupped his hands over his ears. What was he doing? Richie was happy for the first time and he was taking that away because of one fight.
Richie groaned out, and looked down at his left arm. Two large cuts showed themselves off proudly. Blood trickled down and past his elbow. Some also running down into his left hand as well

"Richie?" The boy heard from behind him. Slowly turning, he saw Ryan, breathing heavily. Her face was painted with bandages and scraps. Ryan's eyes traced down to his arm. She gasped.

Richie hand clenched into a fist, a red substance started to pour out of it. He glanced down to see the blade had made its way into his skin.

"Ryan... you need to leave," Richie sobbed out, holding onto the glass. He didn't need her to see him like this. He didn't want her to get hurt. Ryan didn't deserve this pain.

"Richie I'm not leavin'!" She murmured walking closer to him. "We need to go to a hospital right now!"

"No!" Richie screamed, and brought the blade up against the skin on his neck. He had already messed up badly, what was a little more pain? He could forget about all of his mistakes if he just ended it all.

"Richie! No... please just drop it! Please don't do this!" Ryan screamed as she rushed over to his side.

"I need to do this... I-" Richie started to say, taking a shaky breath, "I deserve this."

"What! No you don't Richie! Please put it down! I'm sorry! Nothin' was ever your fault! I was blamin' you! Nothin' was your fault!" Ryan cried as she walked closer to him.

"But I should have been there! You were two houses down! God damn it Ryan," Richie yelled, the blade pressing down harder on his neck. Tears pouring down his cheeks and cascading down his neck.

"You didn't know! There was no way you could have known. I shouldn't have gone back! Richie please," Ryan violently sobbed, "I love you."

"Richie! Don't!" He heard a different voice, and looked up to see Stan, he was standing there with Eddie.

"I told you I can't do it anymore!" Richie whimpered out loudly. Stan walked closer to Richie but he backed away.

"Please drop it Rich," Stan begged and staggered a little closer.

"I can't.." Richie murmured.
But before he could cut away all the mistakes he had ever made and force all the bad memories away, Richie's legs give out from underneath him.

"Richie!!! No! Oh my god!" Ryan screamed as he felt her collapse into the dirt next to him.

"Richie!!" Stanley yelled and ran over to him as well. Richie's mind began to go black, along with his vision.

"Richie stay with me!" He heard another voice murmur out. Eddie

"He lost a lot of blood, God call 911!" Stan yelled, and Richie felt something wrap around his arm tightly. That's the last thing he could remember before everything went black.