Call Me Dirty Minded

58. Twiddling Lips

Everyone around me has been supportive, as they always have been since the accident. Loving words, endless efforts to make my day, encouragement, unneeded attention. And I love it, I truly do but a huge part of me wants to crawl in a corner and cry, cry till my lungs can no longer take in oxygen due to the suffocation of tears. They worry, all their eyes water with such pain and I can only wish to comfort them with equal love, to reassure it will all be okay and the aftermath of the accident didn't affect me much, that the trauma is gone, that the brain haemorrhage was once upon a time and that it no longer distresses my present or future, that my memory returned, that I'm okay, that this will never.. ever.. happen again. But that's a lie. That'd be a massive lie.

I know they wish they still had the bubbly free-spirited Skye, and I try so hard to be that girl for them, but its no longer true. Its no longer ideal.

The truth is, the revelation of the accident blew my mind, I'm unsure of what is real and what is a story, the loss of pure memories is such a frustration, I do not understand anything! I cannot relate nor engage in conversation about past tense when I have no recollection of it! The pains? The pains are so bad.. I try to cover up how bad they've gotten, to reassure my loved ones that its just temporary but another lie, the pains have increased from a light stings to full seizures. The few flashbacks I get help, but its not the same as completely remembering every little detail. I feel like I lost a big chunk of my life and for a 17 year old, a year is a long time. I can't recall my favourite piece to play, or the fact that Sam got baseball captain, that Arthur became school captain, or that Brooklyn's parents had a divorce. I don't remember my once close relationship with Carter, or my acting days with Allan, I don't remember Jayden's first heartbreak or how Chandler reverted to a player.. worst of all, I forgot who my real first kiss was.

I forgot.. "Hunny are you okay?" My mum asks, bringing back to reality.

I fake a smile and nod, standing up and dusting myself off. "Thanks Nancy."

"No worries hun, see you Thursday for your next session." Nancy the nurse smiles and gives a small wave as we exit the room and head towards the entry of the hospital.

"Skye, how are you feeling? How's the pains?" Currently I don't feel them so it wouldn't be lying if I said I'm okay. "I'm good mum, the pains are fine.. haven't had any recently." That's a lie.

"That's good," Mum's eyes washed over me and I could see the worry fill her eyes. "So I was thinking you'd skip the rest of the school day and come with me to pick out food for dinner? And maybe we could go to the music store? Check out a few piano chord books.. you know." She smiled encouragingly. She tries so hard for me, what's wrong with me.. why am I zombie.

"Thanks mum but I should probably get back to school, I've got a makeup test on Friday so I should catch up with everything." She nods giving my forehead a kiss and a small smile. "Alright, lets go sweetheart."

~~~

Flowers in your Hair – The Lumineers

I open the door ready to leave the car, "thanks mum."

"No worries sweetheart, oh and please tell Jace to come over for dinner tonight. I'll make your favourite and he's welcome to stay over." I nod in response, giving a little blow kiss and turning to head into school.

11:22 am – Ah, soon to be Recess. Great, I'll just simply walk towards the library so I could catch up on work and not at all intentionally avoid people, lovely. I speed walk to the library that's at the other side of the school, praying silently that the bell doesn't ring until I get there. I'm not ready to see anyone, not now, not yet.

11:29 am – Booya! I push open the large wooden doors of the library, happily entering to find a nice cozy spot. Lets see.. we've got large sharing tables, or single loner tables, or computer tables.. yeah nope. And there's some tables that look through the window to the lunch area, yeah nope.