loving lisa ↠ liskook au

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I was painting on my largest canvas at the backyard; it probably was my most important project yet. It also probably was my last. I giggled to myself even as my chest continued to ache, even as the hairs on the back of my neck raised, even as I continued to produce cold sweat. "Shh," I whispered to my heart that was in pain. Before, the simplest, smallest pang would have already sent me panicking to my Mom, crying and fearing the unknown. But now I was in unreal levels of happiness. I probably was too happy that it hurt, but I didn't care.

I was pouring out my love into this painting. I needed to feel everything, even the pain, just so it would come out how I wanted it to be.

I had been on this exact spot since the beginning of the Saturday sun, and I haven't left it since. I had sandwiches in my pocket just so I wouldn't fall down with an empty stomach, and I left a pitcher and a glass on a table beside me.

My favorite spaghetti-strapped dress that had images of daisies on it was what I wore today, but now it was tattered and smudged by my colourful soul, paints that had been a part of me since I was as young as the innocent children by the swings and seesaws. The daisies were alive, I thought, they were finally dancing in colours instead of the dulled down hues of the fabric.

"Hmm," I hummed to myself, just finishing the tears on the canvas boy's face before I heard the main door being unlocked, and I perked up at the sound. Mom had come home.

"Lalisa? Where are you?" It was the same old tired voice of Mom, just laced with the same old worry reserved only for me. I wondered how hard the day was for her back in the hospital.

"I'm back here, Mom," I said, finally standing up after hours and hours of work. I carried the easel to a spot where the house's roof could protect it, and I raced inside, smiling to my worried mother, ignoring the stabs I felt inside me. "Welcome home."

"Lalisa, I..." she said, and I heard the hesitation in her words. I tilted my head, wondering why she'd feel such a thing, but then suddenly, Mom took out some papers from her old tote bag, and she motioned for me to sit down the sofa with her.

I peered over to what she was holding, but I couldn't make out the words. All of them were printed so tiny that I felt my efforts were in vain. "What's that Mom?"

Mom let out a shaky breath but she made herself look unfazed. But she couldn't hide the smile on her face; it was the kind of smile you show when you felt like you've done everything, have suffered through a whole lot, but have finally got that little reward by the end. She was shaking her head as she smiled that tired but contented smile. "We've finally got the money we needed for another surgery," she continued, and my eyes widened.

Calm down Lisa, calm down...

I wouldn't want to spoil Mom's happiness so I closed my eyes and just tried to block out the loud, irregular heartbeats that filled my ears. Calm down, calm down... That even sounded like Jungkook's voice in my mind. The thought made my heart flutter and go crazy again, and I know I shouldn't let this happen, but my heart just acts out on its own accord. I gripped the seats and breathed slowly, then I felt Mom hold my hands and it immediately made me open my eyes. Seeing her all-too-familiar face, I felt my breaths easing down, and I finally felt alright.

"Your aunt that we'd been trying so hard to reach, it turned out she moved back."

"Back to Thailand, you mean? Aunt Prem?" Mom was talking about my aunt that's a doctor who moved here to South Korea with us. She'd seen me since birth, and she'd known about the defects I had in my heart, but these last few years we hadn't been able to talk to her again. "Why couldn't we reach her Mom?"

"It's nothing to worry about now," she said, holding the side of my head. "She said she'd arranged everything, and the drugs that were prescribed to you after - after Dad?" She caressed my face. "Those drugs that we couldn't afford? We're finally able to have them now."

I squeezed her hands and just continued to look at her with wide eyes, not able to speak anything. She smiled at me and then moments later, we were both engulfed in a hug. We stayed like that for a couple of minutes.

I felt her hand combing through my hair before she drew in a breath, and she spoke in a soft voice. "We're packing our bags tomorrow."

I thought I misheard Mom. "W-what?"

"We're going to have to go back to Thailand, too, Lalisa." Mom was, for a second, confused by the tone of my voice. But she let it slide almost immediately. "I just told you that Aunt Prem's in there."

"M-Mom, I can't," I left Mom's grasp and she stared at me, bewildered. I stood up. "There's someone here I can't leave."

"Lalisa," she stood up, too and held my arms. "You know it's bad for you to be attached to someone -"

"Mom, I could feel that he cared for me," I couldn't help but raise my voice a little, and there it was again, that rampage of heartbeats. There were tears in my eyes that held thousands of emotions. "It was - it was something I didn't know I needed. Mom, you have to understand -"

"What, and you'll leave your body in the worst shape possible just to be with him?" Just hearing that, I knew I couldn't hold it in anymore. When I finally broke down in tears, Mom stopped speaking. She pulled me into a tight hug not long afterwards; I could feel her shaking with tears, too. "Lalisa, baby... You're my biggest treasure. You're so, so important to me. Please just listen to what I'm saying..."

"But I love Jungkook so much," my voice gave and tears just continued pouring out of me. "Mom, if you could only see all the things that he's done for me..."

"I've done a lifetime for you, too," Mom was gripping the back of my dress - a fragile hold. It felt like she would break if she continued to reason out with me. "I-I've done a lifetime..."

And I just let my face scrunch up as I continued to cry in her nurse's uniform. I tried to calm down but I couldn't. I just didn't feel like I'd stop crying at all.

This just made me think about what I've done for Mom. And I thought: nothing. Nothing but a burden and my father's death. And still, she loved me with all her being. She loved me so unconditionally that I felt so much respect for mothers out there.

And then there was Jungkook.

Since that first day I saw him, and he saw me, I'd already felt my imperfect heart blossoming so beautifully. And he turned out to be such a beautiful boy, making me feel like I didn't deserve him at all.

I gripped Mom's shirt one last time. "Mom, c-can I just... meet Jungkook? Before we leave?"

She pulled away to look at me. I haven't seen her in this state, all dishevelled and everything. But she wiped my tears away and kissed my forehead, before nodding. "If you must."

"I do." And I ran up to my bedroom to hear Jungkook's sweet voice through my phone.

"This is the first time we called each other." He sounded so different through the phone, and so giddy, I couldn't help the lump in my throat and the new tears in my eyes.

It's probably the last, too.

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author's notes

this one's ending soon.

i cried a bit writing this, can't help it. so how do you think would jungkook feel about this?