i am not real , but you were

30

and i feel sick sometimes, thinking about you. because for so long, i have been training myself to protect my heart from falling so hard. and then you came along. at first i was fine, i stayed my distance and i knew not to get caught up. but then you continued to look at me with those beautiful green eyes, that i swear get brighter and brighter everyday. and the way you would smile at me, almost as if i actually meant something to you. your laugh would encapsulate me into a song, and i promise when i say i wish i could make you laugh forever. i wish i could give you a lifetime of happiness. i want to be able to text you one day without the fear and you not texting back. i want to skip the part where everything is so unsaid and up in the air. i want to be able to introduce you as something more than my friend. i want to be able to face the world and all of its challenges with you. i want to face your parents, and my parents, together. i want to be able to smell your hypnotizing smell forever. i want to be able to wake up every morning, knowing that i could open my eyes and see your face right next to mine, because i swear when it happens now, it's like the day cannot bring me any wrong. what i have done to be so blessed with someone like you in my life, i could never tell you.

but, h, i am scared. i am scared that no matter what i do, you will leave me. i am scared that eventually you will not look at me the way you do now. i am scared your hand will not graze my waist the way it does now. i am scared that you will not tell me you love me anymore. i am scared that i will no longer wake up to 'good morning sunshine' and hopeful wishes of a good day. i am scared that in a year from now i'll look back and say 'oh this time a year ago i loved h.' i cannot afford to lose you, i refuse to lose you, i wont lose you. you mean too much to me to be lost in the endless void of people who have come and gone from my life.

you tell me you will ruin my life, and i am scared that just might be true. i am scared that you are going to break my heart, whether it be now or in a week, a month, a year. i am scared of having the same gut wrenching conversation with you that i have had with the countless guys who have fucked into my life and left, riddled with lies, deceit, and tear stained t-shirts. i am scared that i won't even be able to tell my family about you before that happens. i am scared of lying in bed awake at night, unable to fall asleep, with paragraph-long texts written out, packed with 'i miss you's and 'i need you's. i am scared that no matter what i do, you will always love someone else. i am scared that you will always sell yourself short of your worth and what you deserve. but most of all, despite everything, i am more than anything scared that i will let this all happen.

because how couldn't i?

how could i let someone like you slip through my fingers? how could i bring myself to even consider not loving you? i have not loved in so long. i have not felt whole in so long, and holy fuck i am absolutely terrified that you will give me that. the love i feel for you now, what will become of it tomorrow, a week, a month, a year? will it dwindle down, or only grow stronger? i don't know the answer, and i am too afraid to ask if you do. i am afraid of driving you away and coming off as too much. there are so many things i wish i could just express to you, but everyday i get more and more cautious of what i say, how i act. all for fear of scaring you off. and you say you're not going anywhere, but don't they all say that? how many times have i been in this same position, afraid and unaware of how the other person is feeling. and i know you said you'd be stupid not to give me a chance, but what if that changes?

what if everything changes?

i can't handle anymore questions, anymore uncertainties. and christ i cannot handle another sickening heartbreak. surely i'll go mad, and i know if that happened you'd blame yourself. but if you need time then i'll give that to you, but i cannot promise i won't fall apart in the process. i cannot promise you won't break my heart.

and i don't know if you can promise that either.