i am not real , but you were

36

I hope you know how much you're hurting me. I hope you realize that all this false hope is one day going to catch up with me, and I will breakdown, and I will not recover. you lie, you are deceitful, you avoid me. I tell you to be honest and yet you claim you are. but we both know the real truth. you underestimate me, think me to be dumber than I am.

but I will still always be there for you. and I still cannot hold myself back from you. and I continue to embarrass and humiliate myself. why? why do you let me do that to myself? can't you just be brutally honest and hurt my feelings already? it would be a whole lot easier for me and you, if you were to just cut me out of your life sooner rather than later.

you still kiss me, you still touch my thigh, you still smile whenever I am with you. but we went from wanting to be together all the time, from facetiming for six, seven, through our slumber hours. you used to save all my pictures, and text me 'I miss you's and 'I love you's all day long. what happened?

I know what happened. you know what happened. you were doing so well, you were almost rid of the toxicity that still consumed your life. but at the very last minute, you gave her one last chance, and from then on I lost you. I lost you to the one person I wish didn't ever exist in your life.

I wish I had gotten to you sooner. when I think back to the first day I ever saw you, I should've said something then. maybe I would've saved you from what would be the reason you would continue to hurt me. or maybe I would've been hurt in either situation.

all I know is the pain in my heart right now, is because of you. but I'll continue to say it is not, because I am too scared, and far too pathetic, to call you out on your wrong doings. to tell you that you have hurt me, and that I don't think I'll ever recover.

you are the first girl I have fallen in love with. you are the first person I have truly felt comfortable with. you are the reason I came out to my mother, so that way it would be more fair if you ever actually gave me a chance. isn't that sad? I risked my life, because of all the false hope you have given me.

I am never going to be enough for you, and I wish I knew why. I will never be what you want, but for some reason a person who hurts you is. I am not enough, for you, for myself, for anyone.

so, please, save me, h. save me from you. I am tired of feeling pathetic. I am tired of your lies and the confusion you bring me. I am tired of longing over someone who will never long over me.

I am tired.