There's A Reason... That Shit Didn't Work Out

THIRTEEN

Joie felt nervous as she dialed Jamie's number. They hadn't spoken since the coffee shop incident and not because Jamie hadn't tried. No, Joie hadn't wanted to talk. Until now.

Jamie's voice sounded like home. "I knew you'd come around eventually. How are you?"

In an instant, Joie began bawling. "I'm so sorry for ignoring you."

"Oh Joy. It's okay. I understand. Don't cry."

But stopping the tears felt impossible.

"What's going on? Why are you so upset?"

"It's Sam. I think you're right about him." Joie sniffed trying to reign in her emotions. "I wanted to believe he was different. I wanted him to finally be the guy I always dreamed he was."

Jamie's voice comforted her in a way she needed so badly. "Oh sweetie, I know. You always think the best of people. It's one of the many things I love about you."

Joie laughed slightly through her tears. "Yeah, I'm stupid like that."

"You're not stupid. You're a kind, compassionate woman."

The compliment made Joie's tears increase.

"Take a deep breath and try to tell me what's going on. I'll just listen if you want. I'll help if you want. Whatever you need."

"I don't know what I need. I just know I hurt."

"Breathe."

Joie took a few slow deep breaths and calmed herself. "He's so--" She didn't know how to explain it.  "He's able to make me feel so wonderful yet so small at the same time. It's like an addiction that I can't stop. I just keep going back for more."

"Do you know why that is?"

"I'm stupid?" Joie laughed.

"No. It's because it sort of is an addiction for you, because of your dad."

Joie didn't say anything.

"Try to understand, being raised by a narcisist, someone you could never please,  makes you crave to correct it. You are attracted to it because your psychological hope is that if you can make someone like your father accept and love you, then you'll finally be lovable. Worthy of love. Does that make sense?"

Joie nodded as she whimpered her answer. "Yes."

"It's deeply ingrained in you because that's all you've known since the moment you were born."

"I don't want to be this way. I want it to go away. How do I make it go away?" She began to sob again. "It feels awful."

"Imagine your needs pathway in your brain being like a river. Your thoughts and actions are the water. The desire to please a narcisist has eroded the banks of the river into a crevasse the size of the Grand Canyon. It's so deep and wide, it's the only way the water can flow through."

"So you're saying it's hopeless?"

"No. I'm saying you have to work hard to open some new cracks and start directing the water in a new way. It's gonna take great intention, but you can learn to do it. As difficult as it will be, the beautiful thing is that you don't have to do it alone. You can't do it alone. It's going take faith in God and people you trust to help you, guide you in a new direction. If you are steadfast and trust the process, it will happen. I promise you."

"How did you get so smart," Joie asked with a chuckle.

"I had to do the very same thing myself about seven years ago."

Joie hadn't known Jamie then. "Really?"

"Yes. I'm not gonna lie, it was hard. But as hard as it was, it was easier than staying unhappy and hating myself as much as I used to. You can do this, Joy. You can with the help of a God who loves you more than you can imagine. All the love you've ever wanted already exists. You just have to believe it."

Joie nodded, knowing in her head that her friend was speaking the truth. Yet, it didn't feel possible in her heart.

"You're gonna mess up. You're gonna back-slide so have grace with yourself and know that one day, you'll look back and wonder how you ever doubted how much you are worth."

She was bawling again. "Thank you, Jamie. Thank you for giving me hope."

"Any time. I love you and would do anything for you. Now, let's get a plan together, okay?"

"Sounds like a good idea."