There's A Reason... That Shit Didn't Work Out

THREE

Joie felt more excited than she had in a long time as she sat on the park bench awaiting Jamie's arrival. Her list had finally come together and Jamie was right. Once she took a long look at it, she realized something amazing. She could barely wait to tell her friend all about it.

She peeked at her watch then looked around seeing all the people taking in the park on this beautiful spring day. There was a guy playing a game of toss and retrieve with his Beagle. She laughed at the way the pup wanted his owner to take the yellow stuffed duck yet wouldn't release it. Perhaps she wasn't all that different from the canine, spiritually speaking. Asking God to take her burdens often resulted in her not being willing to let them go fully. The game, or in her case, the pain, wouldn't progress with much efficiency if she wasnt willing to just let go fully and let God begin her healing.

"Are you missing Tiger?"

Jamie's voice surprised Joie as she turned her head toward the words. Tiger, her Black Lab had passed away a little over a year ago. Even with the sadness of that memory, Joie smiled. "No, well yes, I miss him every day, but I'm just enjoying people watching right now." She stood to give Jamie a hug.

After the hug, Jamie sat down on the bench. "So, what's so important that you had to see me on my lunch break?"

Joie sat down. "I finished my list!"

Jamie's eyes popped open. "Really?"

"Yes, and you were right. I realized something incredible after staring at it for awhile."

Jamie grinned. "Do tell."

Joie pulled the notebook out of her purse and turned to the page she had written all over. "Well, I did what you said and went simple. I asked myself how God made me, I striped away all the becauses, whys, and buts and looked at what was unchangeable about myself. I came up with eight things."

"And they are?"

Joie cleared her throat. "Bold-"

"I thought that one got scratched out."

Joie lowered her chin with a glare. "Well, it got unscratched out."

"Okay."

Joie took a deep breath feeling a little embarrassed about saying the words aloud, but she pressed on. "Sensitive-"

"Again, I thought that was a no-go as well."

"Can I just read my list?"

"Of course, go on."

Joie reset and started over. "So, I got bold, sensitive, child-like, deep thinker, creative-don't say it. I know I marked that one out too-impulsive, focused, and this last one is a little weird but it works, chemically complex."

Jamie squinted. "What exactly does 'chemically complex' mean?"

"It means I have a very sensitive chemistry, in my body. Medicines effect me differently than most people. I struggle with depression and then there's my adhd. You know how I can't be on birth control pills because they mess with my hormones and make me insane."

"Ah, I get it. That makes sense."

Joie noticed her hands shaking. "What do you think?"

Jamie's eyes widened and her head turned. "I think I'm really proud of you. That's a great list and I have to say I completely agree with all of those."

Joie smiled. "Really?"

"Yes, absolutely."

Her excitement bubbled over a bit making her voice brighten. "But there's more."

"Lay it on me."

"As you noticed, I had originally crossed several of them off my list but when I deleted all the caveats of why I'm these things, and just thought about them as God-given traits, I realized the only reason I've always had such negative feelings about them is that I've used them in a negative way." Joie looked at her friend. "That got me thinking, if they can be used in a negative way, is it possible that they can also be used in a positive way?"

Jamie's smile grew. "And?"

Joie looked back at her paper. "I went through each of them and listed the negative ways they can be used then thought deeply about what their positive uses would look like. For example, impulsive, its negative uses are acting without thinking things through and trying to do things on my own, basically relying on myself instead of God, the wisdom of others, or my own past mistakes. But the positives are that I'm an action-taker, I'm able to move forward without fear, I'm open to the unknown, I'm a risk-taker, and don't get weighed down when given multiple choices. Those are all things that are benefits. I'm also spontaneous, which I love about myself."

"I love that about you too. If you weren't impulsive, we wouldn't have had many of the incredible weekend trips we've had. I rely on you for that stuff since I'm a pathological planner."

Joie smirked. "Yeah. Exactly. But the list gets better. You see, I've been seeing the negative side of my traits all my life. I've never even considered that there could be a positive way to be impulsive. Now that I can see it, I connected some dots that make me more exited for the future than I've ever been before."

"Do tell."

"I thought back to times I've used the words on my list in the positive ways and realized-" She paused wanting the right words to come out. "I realized that when I've used them in their positive ways, that's when I've felt joy. Joy. I mean, real joy. This list is the key to finding happiness, maybe even fulfillment."

"Well, look at that. Who would have thunk it?"

Joie laughed. "I know, right? I can't believe I've missed this my whole life. I can't believe the simplicity of it. It's so freeing to recognize that I have a choice. A freaking choice! I can be a slave to the negatives or I can lean into the positives knowing that therein lies the one thing I want more than anything-joy. Do you know how big of a deal this is to me?"

The two women looked at each other as Jamie began to nod slowly.

"I wish I had figured this out earlier in life. I mean, I could have had a much different attitude about everything."

"Don't do that to yourself, Joy. These things are revealed to us when the time is right and not a moment sooner. You are right where you're supposed to me in this moment. Trust me."

Joie looked down at her list. "Take bold for instance. My boldness has led to a lot of hurt. But that's because I've used it in conjunction with horrifically bad boundaries. I meet someone and, bam, I tell them everything about me like they're already my best friend. No wonder I've gotten hurt. So, now that I know, when the bold part of my personality steps forward I can take a moment and make an educated choice to move slower with people. I can still be open and honest, I can still be a leader but I don't have to bear it all. I can be strong and confident while holding on to decent boundaries. Does that make sense?"

"It makes perfect sense. I can't even tell you how proud of you I am. This is really great."

Joie smiled looking down at her hands. "I feel like I've been given a second chance." Her eyes turned up to Jamie's. "An opportunity to live a happier life."

Just then, a male voice interrupted their conversation. "Joy? Is that you?"

The sound of the words was familiar, but she wasn't sure why. She turned to see who the deep voice belonged to and felt as though she had been hit in the face with a brick. Stunned, her notebook tumbled off her lap and onto the ground.