Breaking Boundaries

Chapter 32 - "Remember all the things.."

Chosen song for the video

Sleeping at last - already gone.

Lyrics to the song is above on the header, video is below in chapter.

Amazing video made by @mahboobsahra who also makes my gifs and puts up with me a lot lol. anyway.. on with it.. get the tissues.. sorry in advance...

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I take a deep breath, compose myself and walk over to the absolute unknown.

I have no idea what Hunter's said to him, he looks terrified.

As I edge nearer he stands up as if to greet me.

"Hey." he whispers.

"Hey.." I say under my breathe, not even sure whether it actually came out or not.

"You ready to do this?"

I don't know.. I don't know why I'm here... although I have a good idea.

"Why.. why are we here?" I stutter.

He smiles weakly. "To say goodbye to Bobby, properly."

I can't. I can't do that. I haven't been here since we buried him.. I'm not and never will be prepared to say goodbye.

"You can do it, Lee. I got you. I always have."

As if he read my mind, he's good at doing that.

"I can't Loge.. I can't be here.."

He doesn't say a word, he holds his hand out to me and I take it without any hesitation.

I realise he's hurting too. It's not just me..

I grip onto him for my life, my knees feel like they're buckling underneath me as we walk - he's literally holding me up. As we appear near Bobby's graveside.. I go to turn around he grabs me by my shoulders and spins me in his chest where I break down.

My knees give way but he catches me.

This is something I should have done a long time ago, but I just couldn't.

I abandoned my boy, our boy.

I thought if I stayed away the pain would go, how wrong was I? all that pain has been rising inside me for years, I made mistakes, I shut people out, I never came to my baby's grave.

"Babe? we can do this, yeah?"

I nod into his chest and try my hardest to slow down my sobs. I pull away slightly and look up at him he smiles, I know its not a real smile though. It's a pained smile. One he uses when he's hurting too.. yet trying to make me feel better instead of himself. Because that is who he is. He loves me more than anything.. That's what breaks my heart, we could and would of been so happy.. a family.

Where would we be today?

Would he be losing his first tooth ready for his big boy tooth?

Would he be joining nursery school, bringing us paintings home to stick on the fridge?

Would he be potty trained? toilet trained?

What bedtime stories would we read him?

What would be his favourite toy? favourite tv programme?

Would he like going fishing with Daddy?

Would we of made him happy?

We won't ever know.