I recently realized I haven't posted in this random book since before the car accident I had on November 20th. I'm almost completely recovered (I'm basically physically fine, and yet PT sTILL WON'T DISCHARGE ME it's fine I'm only a little bitter), but I've been thinking a lot about human mortality lately (understandably), and I figured, why not come back to this random book with a bang?
In my car accident, I could have died. The girl who hit me (I've met her, she's really nice and I feel bad for giving her this trauma because I don't remember this accident at all but she does) was in a giant truck, and I was in my smol PT Cruiser. (Rest in peace, Phillip Thaylen. I miss you.) Thankfully, she swerved, and avoided hitting me straight on, instead hitting the front of my car and sending me into a spin. My family was still very very worried that I wouldn't get all my mental abilities back (blessedly, I have), but I survived. But I've been thinking about that, and...
I'm not afraid of death.
I'm not afraid, because I know where I'm going once I'm gone. I would have seen everyone grieving, and felt so, so sad with you - so in that sense, I'm anxious for the amount of pain I would leave behind - but I'm not afraid for myself. The Lord wanted me to stay on this Earth and live on to fulfill His work, for the which I am very grateful, but if it had been my time, I think I would have been at peace with that.
I think the worst part about it would be seeing all my friends and family mourn me, because let me tell you, I never really knew how loved I was until I got in this accident. I've had so many people send me notes and gifts and check up on me and support my recovery. We all weave networks of love and support and you have no idea the immense positive effects you have on people. You can't die without leaving that network behind, and people will notice and mourn your absence. My entire grade (and my teachers, and my band friends) was so happy when I came back to school. I got so many hugs, even a few from teachers. It was amazing.
So that would've been a very sad part of dying. But I have heard multiple accounts of spirits being near their loved ones when they are thinking of them, and I would have tried to be there to comfort my family and friends. The veil is thin enough that they would have been able to feel my presence. And, barring that, I would have been able to see them again. I am going to be with my family forever, because we have been sealed in the Lord's temple. Death does not end that type of bond. And I would have been able to go and see my friends when they passed through the veil, welcome them home.
This Earth is not the beginning, and it's not the end. We all lived in heaven with our Father before this life - we chose this life. And once it is over, once the Savior comes down to reign upon the Earth during the Millennium, we will be resurrected. He made this resurrection possible, by taking upon Himself our sins and making an intercession between us and the Father - because the unclean cannot dwell in heaven, but Christ paid the price for us so that we could live with the Father again.
Death is not the end.
I would have had unfinished business - I would've been unable to finish Gravity Rises, for one - and so I am very, very grateful that I still live and that I have this opportunity to graduate high school, go to college, go on a mission, start my own family, and embark on my writing career. I pray I can fulfill the Father's plans for me on this Earth. He has a purpose in sparing my life, and even if I never find out that purpose during mortality, I still will to serve Him.
I am grateful for my life. And yet, I would not have been afraid to die.
And that... that brings me a lot of peace.
