Love Rush (LarssonSiblingSeries#4)

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

Tilly

Tears. There are so many tears flooding down my cheeks and we haven't reached the juicy bits yet. Heather is sitting across from me in a big comfortable leather chair and waiting patiently for me to collect myself. All she did was mention my childhood and I crumbled into a sobbing mess.

"I'm sorry," I sniffle, pulling another tissue out of the box near my armchair.

Heather smiles. "No need to say sorry."

I blow out a long breath. "It always gets me when I think about my childhood."

"Why's that do you think?"

I sigh, lowering my hands to my knees, whispering, "Because, I was never good enough for my dad."

Heather starts to jot things down on her notepad. "Talk to me about him."

"Dad?" I question, knowing she meant him anyway.

Stalling gives me time to think of an out. I don't like talking about my dad because he's an evil in my life.

"Yes. What makes you think that you aren't good enough for him? Was it words he used? How he made you feel? Violence?"

My dad is a lot of things, but he never lifted a hand to me. Ever. And, for that I know I'm lucky.

"It was more the words he used. If I didn't get the grades he wanted for me, he called me stupid. A disappointment. And then, when I was caught kissing a boy behind the church, he said I'd shamed the family. My family are very religious and my dad does a lot for the community and church. So, imagine his shock when I announced I was pregnant. It almost killed him off."

I understand now that kissing Dylan behind the church was disrespectful, but I was young and caught up in the moment.

Heather taps her pen on the notepad. "I notice when you speak about your father that you fidget about in your seat and pull on your jumper. Almost like you're trying to hide."

I guess I am. "The memories are uncomfortable for me. It soothes me a little to keep myself occupied."

"Hmm," she stares at the page for a while longer before twisting her lips to the side deep in thought. "What was your first thought when you found out you were pregnant."

"That my dad would kill me."

"Anything else?"

I start fiddling with my jumper again. "Shame. Guilt. Uneasiness."

"Yes, but were those thoughts yours or were you more worried about what people would think of you?"

"Erm," I'm lost for words. "I'm not really sure."

Heather shrugs. "It's okay not to know because we can come back to this another time."

"When would you say was the lowest moment in your life?"

"Lowest moment," I repeat, crossing my leg over the other to switch them back to the original position. "I would say abusing my body when I was pregnant with Annabelle."

Heather nods. "Okay. So, let's start there. You say you were taking substances when you were pregnant. Did you start before or during?"

"I started to take pain relief for my migraines. They get worse when I'm stressed and during that time I was particularly anxious. As my stress levels rose, so did the number of tablets."

"We have a lot of coping mechanisms. Some good and some bad. It's your minds way off relieving the stress somehow, but unfortunately we get used to the high it gives us and we need it more often and in bigger amounts."