Jade's POV
"No, Jed, I can't tell her! She'll hate me forever if I do and I really don't want to ruin our friendship. I'd rather hide my feelings for her forever and have her as my best friend, than lose her because I'm totally in love with her."
Jed, my boyfriend, and I met up at his flat. He called me earlier because he had something important to tell me and I don't like what he's telling me...
"Jade, you know how much I want to help you, but we agreed on this when we started all this, remember? First off all, we would only give each other quick pecks on the lips if necessary, no real kissing and no use of tongues. Secondly, we would not have sex. And three, whenever one of us wanted to break up, for any reason, we would immediately."
"I know, it's just that if we are not together, even if it's just for the show, I can't pretend that my feelings are for you. Whenever I'll be dreaming about her and they ask me what I'm thinking about, I can't say it's about you. I won't be able to hide it, Jed." I look down.
He hugs me, knowing I'm on the verge of tears. Jed is the only one to know what I've been hiding for all these years. From the first moment Perrie and I were put together in a group, I felt something special for her. It has only become bigger and bigger through the years. I love her, in a totally different way than I love Leigh-Anne and Jesy. They're my sisters, but Perrie is different. Whenever her hand touches mine or when she smiles at me or when she says my name, my heart does this weird thing where it starts beating really, really fast. I feel butterflies whenever I'm with her and sometimes my breathing gets uneven. I love her so, so much but I can't tell her that, can I?
"Jadey, I will always be there for you, don't you dare forgetting that. You're one of my best friends and whenever you need someone by your side, I'll be right beside you. But we can't keep pretending we're a couple forever. I'm-"
"Yes, we can do that!" I interrupt.
"No, we can't and you know that. I told you before that I'd like to date Andrea, but I can't since we are together. So I'd want to tell the world that we aren't together anymore, I won't tell anyone that we were never actually together."
Jed and I have been really good friends since we met. We saw each other quite a lot and one time I just had to tell someone about what I felt towards Perrie. I trusted him with my secret and so I told him. He's been very understanding. Whenever I need to cry on someone's shoulder or when I just need someone to talk to, he is there for me. He listens to me when I'm sad.
When he told me about a friend who pretended to be together with someone so he could hide his feelings for a girl he loved, I asked Jed if he wanted to be my 'hide-my-feelings-boyfriend'. At first, he refused, but after some more insisting and crying, he agreed. And so it happened. We told everyone we were together and everyone was very happy for us.
When we go out, we hold hands and give quick pecks on each other's lips to make it look real. I even told the girls about the time when we first had sex, even though we never did it. He always wanted me to explain my feelings to Perrie though.
"But the girls will definitely want an explanation and I can't just say 'Oh yeah we broke up, but we were never actually together. It was just a diversion to hide my feelings for Perrie. Didn't I mention before that I'm totally in love with my bandmate cause I am, hahaha.' I can't do that Jed."
"Tell them that you don't feel comfortable talking about our break up, but that we're still friends. Jade, they're your best friends, your sisters, they have to accept that you want to keep things for yourself. Everyone has secrets." He reasons.
"You clearly don't know Jesy. She hates secrets in the group and does everything to find out what you're hiding from her."
"Jade, I'm gonna post something on Twitter tonight, saying we're over. I'll make sure to mention that were still good friends, so nobody will find it weird if we still see each other, okay?"
"It's okay I guess..." I give up. I really don't want him to do this, but I promised we would break up whenever he wanted to, so I don't even have a choice...
"I'm really sorry, Jade, but you can't hide your feelings forever. You'll feel so much better if you tell her, so stop hesitating and just spill the beans."
"Don't worry, I will." I just don't know when I'll do it...
-
I come home a bit later. The house is empty, because Perrie has gone to Leigh and Jesy's place.
Perrie and I still share a flat. She had moved out when she was together with Zayn, but now that they're over, she came back. I like living together with her, because I'm able to spend a lot of time with her. But now that Jed and I broke up, I know it is going to be unbearable seeing her all the time. I'll have to keep my biggest secret from her but I'll constantly see her, so it's surely going to be hard.
I walk to my bedroom, which is next to Perrie's, and change into something more comfortable than my skinny jeans are. When I'm done, I start looking around in my room and see some pictures. I have pictures of my family, some friends and Little Mix. My eyes fall upon a picture of me and Perrie together with our mums. Tears immediately form in my eyes. I just can't handle this...
I leave my bedroom and go to hers. I lie down on her bed and put my head in her pillow. Smelling her sweet scent calms me, but it also breaks my heart to know that I'll never be able to go asleep with the person this scent belongs to. After a few minutes, I get up again and walk down the stairs. I decide I'll just cook some spaghetti to eat while watching Disney movies.
-
I hear the front door opening when I'm halfway through Tangled. My empty plate is standing on the coffee table. Leigh, Jesy and Perrie run towards me and pull me into a bone-crushing hug.
"Oh my God, honey, are you okay?" Leigh is the first one to speak up.
"We saw his post on Twitter. What happened? Why did you and Jed break up?" Jesy asks me.
"We just didn't work out, it's okay. We're still friends." I explain to them.
Jesy and Leigh-Anne pull away, but Perrie cups my cheeks. I immediately feel my cheeks burning up and my heartbeat starts racing.
"Baba, it's okay to cry. We know you find it easier to keep things for yourself, but please talk to us when you're feeling down about this. It's alright to feel bad about breaking up and we're here for you. Cry as much as you want to. We bought ice cream and chocolate before coming here, it really eases the pain." She gives me a reassuring smile.
-
We spent the entire night eating chocolate and ice cream while watching movies. All three of them are fast asleep right now. Jesy and Leigh are cuddled up together and Perrie is fast asleep with her head in my lap. I can't help but smile when I look down at her. Her beautiful blonde hair that seems to always fall perfectly. That little dimple that pops out when she smiles in her sleep. Her mouth that's slightly opened right now. These beautiful lips that I have longed to kiss for so long already. She's just absolutely perfect in every single way.
I love this girl more than she could ever imagine, and I'm so scared I'm going to ruin it by spitting out my feelings all of a sudden.
Breaking up with Jed meant it was going to be a lot more difficult to hide my feelings for Perrie. It has already been difficult tonight. Every time I zoned out smilingly, because Perrie was laughing or touching me or just doing nothing, I couldn't tell it was about Jed.
I won't be able to hide it anymore ...
