There's A Reason... That Shit Didn't Work Out

ONE

"Men are so fucking stupid!" Joie shouted.

Her best friend, Jamie, chuckled as she smoothed in a sip of her overpriced coffee.

Just then, the barista shouted, "Caramel Latte for Joey."

Joie rolled her eyes. "I get so sick of people saying my name wrong! It's Joy not Joey. But you know what, I don't even care anymore. People can call me whatever they want. It doesn't matter." She went and retrieved her coffee then returned to the table. After a short silence, she began. "I mean seriously. He told me this was what he wanted. We talked about it at length and he was sure he was ready and wanted to have sex and there would be absolutely zero regrets."

Jamie placed her cup on the bistro table. "Ah, yes. The  good ole 'let me think with my small head between my legs instead of the big one atop my shoulders'. Been there, done that. What happened?"

Joie rolled her eyes. "When we got to the hotel room, he attacked me. I mean attacked! Damn, it was hot. I don't think anyone has ever taken me like that before. Amazing I tell you."

Jamie lowered her chin and raised one eyebrow. "Let me guess, the minute it was over, he couldn't even look at you."

"Of fucking course!" Joie growled. 

Jamie sighed as she sat back in her chair. "I'm not going to say I told you so."

"Please don't. You know I've been through this before, I just thought it would be different with him."

Jamie chuckled again. "Yes, the 'I'm different' bullshit us women are so good at convincing ourselves of. His past shows us clearly what a dick he is, yet we end up consumed with our soft, gushy hopeful hearts and think he'll be different with us. How many times has that worked out for us?"

Joie laughed. "Zero. Maybe the truth is we're just as stupid as the penis toters. While they're using their pleasure-head to think, we're using our love-head. So much for relying on the central nervous system."

"Love-head? Is that a thing?"

"It is now."

They both laughed.

Soon, Joie's slight smile turned downward as her dissapointment returned full force.

"Look, here's the thing you need to remember. It wasn't about you."

"How is having sex with me not about me?" Joie spoke much louder than she meant to drawing unwanted attention to their conversation. She quieted and leaned in. "I'm a person, right? With feelings and a heart, right?"

"Yes, you are, but men are the least complicated creatures on earth. They are so detached from their feelings that when desire hits them, they can't differentiate which area of the body it's radiating from. They truly don't think cheating is going to bother them, especially if they've never done it before, so when the load is blown and the small brain inside their dick shuts off temporarily, they are completely gobsmacked by the wave of guilt their tiny little hearts show them. His reaction had nothing to do with who you are."

Joie crossed her arms and slumped in her chair.

"I had a guy literally start bawling on me one time."

"You're kidding."

Jamie shook her head. "Nope. He spewed then bam - full blown sobbing. Literally, right on top of me." She sipped her coffee again. "He actually expected me to comfort him. I wanted to punch him in the neck, but instead I just got dressed, grabbed my stuff, and kindly told him to fuck off."

"How did that feel?"

"Shitty. The whole thing felt shitty. Here's the thing, they don't know any better. They just don't, so you have to protect them from themselves. It's the only way to make sure you don't get hurt.  I've come to realize that the best thing to do when a dude who's already involved with some other girl wants to roll around naked is to look him in the eyes and say, 'You can't handle me, trust me. Now move along.' Because when the penis is involved in decision making, reality flies right out the window with dudes. Stupid but true."

Joie let out a long slow sigh and looked down into her coffee.

"I'm sorry it happened. I really am. It's an awful feeling and you don't deserve that. No one deserves that."

Her eyes turned to the ground. "I don't suppose his wife deserves it either."

"Live and learn, Joy. That's all we can do."

Joie nodded slowly. "Yeah. That was a lesson I didn't want to learn again. I thought he was for real. I thought maybe he was the one."

Jamie grunted. "The one is never the one if he's already someone else's one."

The truth of Jamie's statement hurt all the more. "Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm stupid."

Jamie reached across the table placing her hand on her friends. "You're not stupid. You're just hopeful. There's a difference. You'll make it through this. I promise."

"I know. I always do."

"If it will help, I'll hunt him down, rip his arm off, and beat him with it."

Joie laughed at the thought.

Jamie retracted her hand slowly.

Joie thought for a moment. "You said his reaction had nothing to do with who I am."

"Yep, and it's the truth. Nothing."

"What if - never mind, it's stupid."

Jamie cocked her head. "Just say it. I'm sure it's not stupid."

After a pause, Joie said what she was thinking. "What if the real problem is that I don't know who I am?"

The two women stared at each other.

Joie continued: "I mean, when I think about it, I really don't know what makes me me. Maybe the emptiness I feel is more about that and less about my bad decisions and horrible luck. What if no matter who I try to be with, it won't work because how can any guy possibly love a person who isn't anything to herself. I don't know. I probably sound crazy."

"I don't think that sounds crazy at all. I think perhaps you're onto something."

"Really?"

Jamie nodded. "I challenge you to explore that. Just do me a favor, please."

"What's that?"

"Keep your clothes on for a bit. I need you to be nice to my friend Joy. I love her and I hate to see her hurting."

Joie smiled as tears filled her eyes at the thought that she was truly loved unconditionally by her friend yet desperately desired to be loved in a different way. She pulled in her emotions quickly. "I'll try, but you know how hard it is for me to keep my clothes on. I'm such a whore."

They both laughed.

Jamie quickly responded with kindness. "You're not a whore."

Joie's tears returned immediately, this time dropping down her cheek. She wiped them with a sigh. "I think it's time to look inside instead of expecting the outside to fix what's so clearly missing in me."