Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

30 Visit

Bucky appreciated Natasha’s frequent and unannounced visits immensely. He found he felt better with people around, especially when those people were Natasha. He wished Steve would come back, but maybe it was for the best or maybe Steve needed time and Bucky didn’t want to intrude. Steve was smart to keep his distance, however much Bucky might secretly want him back.

That day, however, Natasha had not been over even once and Bucky wondered if maybe he should visit her for a change. Natasha usually picked his locks and he would be the first to admit that he was not the world’s best lock-picker, but in order to possibly surprise and delight Natasha, he would do his best.

Bucky knelt before her front door and began carefully turning the tumblers, listening closely. He failed many times, but refused to get frustrated, and was on his fifth try when he heard the lock click all by itself and he jumped back and the door opened and Natasha was looking down at him, sitting on the floor, holding the door open. Something was wrong. Her eyes were red, her shoulders seemed to slump forward some. As Bucky sat on the floor and stared back up at her, she grinned and laughed and made some joking, teasing comment that he didn’t hear because he was too acutely aware of the fact that something was quite off with Natasha Romanoff. She reached forward and offered him her hand and he took it and she hauled him up and ushered him inside.

Bucky watched Natasha straighten her shoulders and smile wider and laugh louder, but she couldn’t stop her eyes from being bloodshot. Bucky stared at her and didn’t respond to the things she was saying. Eventually, she simply stared back and fell silent. She seemed to be searching his face.

What is wrong, Natasha, he wanted to ask but the silence was too heavy and thick and her shoulders began to slump a little more until he reached out and caught her, aware that she hadn’t been falling, not really, not on the outside, but she folded into his arms and put her head on his shoulder.

They stood like that for a long time, but Bucky never really felt awkward or uncomfortable. He just kept squeezing her, gently, with his right arm mostly, and stroking her hair and trying to comfort her. He felt alarmed, because he wasn’t sure what was wrong and maybe it was something big, but he had to trust that Natasha would tell him in time.

After a while, he felt her shoulders begin to shake, although she bravely held back tears, he hugged her closer and whispered ‘shh’ and she began sobbing. Ever more alarmed, Bucky let her cry into his jacket sleeve.

“Natasha,” Bucky whispered into her ear. “Natasha, what is it?” Natasha pulled back a little to look into his face and her entire face was red and swollen and wet with tears. She put a hand on his cheek, which surprised him because the touch seemed almost intimate, his cheek cupped in her palm. He turned his head into her hand ever so slightly, but he didn’t notice that he did. Natasha’s bottom lip quivered. She answered in Russian.

“Nothing,” she said.

“That’s a lie,” he replied and she nodded. She moved her hand slowly up the side of his face and into his hair and Bucky couldn’t help but feel a little confused, although he had to admit he wasn’t going to stop her.

“I’ve always been a great liar,” she said. “Guess nothing gets past you, Winter Soldier, am I right?” Bucky wasn’t sure what to say in response as suddenly the name seemed to jump down his throat and slash at his stomach, piercing his heart along the way. He hadn’t been prepared, it had been a cruel thing to say, and he stiffened and pulled away a little. She noticed and stepped back from his arms, taking her hand back from his face and hair. She wiped at her own face. “You’re a good man, Bucky,” she said.

“I’m really not,” Bucky replied, but this wasn’t about him. He changed the subject. “Are you going to tell me who made you cry?” Natasha smiled at him and laughed. She switched back to English and Bucky knew he wasn’t going to hear anything else about it.

“Thank you,” she said. “I feel better now.”

“Did something happen?” Bucky asked. Natasha stared at him, her arms folded across her stomach, and shook her head. “Okay,” Bucky replied, staring at her, concerned, and began to back towards the door, as Natasha seemed to want him to do. Ordinarily, he would have insisted she tell him what was wrong, but calling him… that had thrown him off. And he felt distinctly unwelcome. “I’ll see you later?”

“Not if I see you first,” she grinned.

“That’s cliche,” Bucky said and the corners of his mouth turned up just a little.

“Bye, Bucky,” Natasha said and Bucky excused himself and shut the door behind him and stared at it for along time, thinking with great confusion about what had just happened.