Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

83 Disoriented

She woke the moment she felt the bed shift and James bolt upright. She blinked and looked over at him through the moonlight and the shadows stretching dark lines across his face and chest. He sat rigidly, staring forward, his hands fists. Natasha pulled herself up a little and put a hand on his shoulder and was about to say something, but he spoke before she could.

“Bucky Barnes,” he said breathlessly. “My name is Bucky Barnes.” Natasha looked James up and down quickly, assessing the tension in his shoulders, the fear in his face, and melted. Nightmares.

“Yes, that’s right,” she said quietly and he turned to her quickly.

“James Buchanan Barnes,” he whispered and she nodded.

“You got it,” she replied.

“Natalia Romanova,” he said next and she tried to smile at him, but it felt forced. She rubbed her thumb gently on his shoulder and cocked her head.

“That’s me,” she said.

“Okay, I-I,” James said and he looked confused, disoriented. “Where am I, where… How did I… Where am I??”

“You’re at home,” Natasha said. “You’re in our apartment, in bed. We were just sleeping.” She watched him turn forward and swallow. She slid her hand across his back to his prosthetic shoulder and wrapped her other arm around him, trying to comfort him. “You’re safe. You’re with me, Natalia, you’re okay.” James stared forward, his eyes wide, and she watched him slowly bring his hands to his head and take a breath.

“I was just…,” he said. “My mind, they… They were taking things.”

“They weren’t, Bucky, sweetheart, you’re fine,” Natasha said. “They didn’t touch you, I swear.” James looked over at her and she touched his face. “You’re perfectly safe here.” They sat there for a moment while James attempted to regain his bearings.

“It was a dream,” he whispered hoarsely and she nodded.

“Just a nightmare. But you’re awake and you’re okay now, alright?” She said.

“Alright,” James said, but she waited for his shoulders to relax or for him to lay back down and he didn’t. She watched him try to breathe. “Natalia, it felt so real,” he said quietly and Natasha looked at him sympathetically. He was so disoriented, so confused and scared.

“That’s okay,” Natasha said, turning herself to face him more, and took his hands gently from him. “I’ll help you. You know things, James, okay?”

“Okay,” James repeated after her blankly and Natasha realized that she would have to lead him more.

“You know your name,” she said.

“I know your’s,” he added.

“You know Steve’s,” she continued.

“Steven Grant Rogers,” James said back like he had burned it into his mind and she nodded.

“That’s the guy,” she said. “What else do you know, let’s see… You know the year.”

“195-no, wait,” James stopped himself. “2… 2014.”

“That’s right,” Natasha encouraged him, smiling gently at him. “You know where you are now, remember, I just moved in?”

“I, yeah. Yeah, this is our apartment. Our bedroom,” he said and she nodded.

“You know, oh, let’s see…,” Natasha thought and then turned around to check the clock. “You know it’s 5:07 because I just told you.” He smiled at her blankly, looking still distant. “You know Steve is your good friend and that I love you.”

“I know we live on… Nasland Street,” James added quietly. “Today is November…”

“Ninth, it’s the ninth today,” Natasha added for him.

“Thanks,” James replied and she smiled at him.

“Of course,” she said. “You know that I’m never letting Hydra take you again, I’ll always come for you and you know you’re going to be okay.” James stared for a while and then he nodded quietly.

“I’m gonna be okay,” he repeated after her and let her push him back down gently onto the mattress and pull the rest of the blankets up around him. She snuggled herself up next to him, her arm across his chest and her head near his. He looked at her now with a sudden growing clarity. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your sleep, I-”

“Hush,” Natasha said and kissed him on the mouth, picking up one of her hands to run through his hair. “It’s fine.”

“I swear I’m not like this every night,” James insisted and Natasha just smiled at him again.

“Even if you were, I wouldn’t mind, James Barnes,” she said to him and he closed his eyes and let out a breath as she picked herself up enough to lean over and kiss him on the forehead.