Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

38 Nightmares

The face in the burned away edges of the blackness in his memory haunted him. He could think of nothing else.

It was difficult to see and it was difficult to breathe there were bright lights and doctors standing over him and Bucky was in pain. Panic registered, unabated panic and fear. He saw spots. He started screaming and kicking and everything was a blur. He woke up when he hit the floor-hard-and all his broken ribs exploded like fireworks throughout his chest. Doctors around him scattered, talked loudly, and Bucky, confused and disoriented and vision blurring with pain, wasn’t sure whether he truly was awake or asleep, safe or in Hydra’s hands, and all he could think was that he was hurting and someone had done this to him and he was never going back to Hydra, never ever, he would die first! Bucky tried to stand, but the pain had made him dizzy and he staggered and fell again and there were more fireworks of electric pain, but he was finally able to use the wall to drag himself to his feet. Someone was in his face, wearing a paper hospital mask and Bucky screamed. He watched his fist fly out right into that paper mask and there was more yelling and commotion. Then, Bucky watched, stunned and horrified and confused, as the face he had been missing worked it’s way out of the darkness and suddenly, he was there and Bucky realized he was still hitting things and kicking things, but Steve wrapped his arms around him and held him, just hugged him hard right back into reality and Bucky watched his own fist drop and felt his knees go weak as he realized that he wasn’t captured, he was safe, he was in a hospital, granted, but a hospital full of people trying to help him and he was still himself and still free and, feeling weak and overwhelmed and disturbed, Bucky clung to Steve and shook violently. Steve held him up, well, Steve and Bucky’s one arm wrapped around his back and gripping him as though his life depended on it, because Bucky’s knees were too weak.

“Bucky, I’m here, it’s okay, you’re okay, you’re safe,” Steve was saying, repeating himself over and over into Bucky’s ear, trying to be calming. Everything around Bucky was settling now from nightmare realm back into plain hospital room and Steve Rogers. Bucky wanted to apologize for his outburst, but he wasn’t sure he knew how. He felt so guilty. When he could stand, he let Steve lead him back to his bed and help him lay back down. All the doctors and nurses that had been in the room were gone now. Bucky wondered if they had gone to get security.

“Are you okay?” Natasha was saying. She was here, of course she was here.

It hurts, Bucky wanted to say, but when he tried, his throat was raw and he felt copper in his mouth and he found he couldn’t speak. Had he screamed that hard?? It hurt to cough too, even though he tried and he felt warm blood dribble out of his mouth. He tried to rub it away, but his hand was shaking too hard and he just smeared blood all over his face. Humiliated and raw, Bucky dropped his head back down on his pillow and closed his eyes, gave up, while Natasha leaned into him and wiped his face. “We need a doctor in here,” she said desperately to Steve. Bucky opened his eyes and watched Steve look back and forth from Natasha to himself and then hurry to the door. Desperation gripped Bucky, something about the face in the black, and he threw himself forward and grabbed at Steve.

“Wait, no,” Bucky whispered, his voice hoarse. “Wait.” Steve stopped and was back at Bucky’s side in an instant. “Stay here,” Bucky said and his voice cracked and grew more hoarse and he coughed. Steve glanced up over the other end of the bed to Natasha.

“Go get a doctor,” he told her. Natasha looked down at Bucky, her face full of concern and her hand brushed the back of Bucky’s hand.

“Are you okay with that?” She asked and although he felt like he was betraying her, he nodded weakly. She was out of the room in an instant and Steve and Bucky were alone. Bucky felt sick in every way he possibly could. He could have sworn he was dying except that he was feeling too much on the inside and on the outside to be letting go. Steve reached behind him and Bucky could hear the scraping of a chair against the floor as Steve pulled it up to his bedside. Bucky turned his head on his pillow and stared at Steve. He felt like he had to re-memorize his face.