Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

84 Electrocuted

With Bucky’s new arm, showering had become so much more difficult than simply only having to use one hand. Every time he got in, he had to hold his entire left arm away from his body and not let it get wet. He’d tried wrapping it in plastic or trying to find some sort of cover, but so far, all had proven only uncomfortable failures. He had, however, succeeded in keeping it mostly dry most of the time and he was succeeding that morning, making use of the skills he’d gained while missing an arm. He could open shampoo bottles with one hand and scrub his hair well enough. Of course, now he had to devote some attention to keeping his left side out of the water, but that didn’t matter, he could manage.

Until, that is, he didn’t.

And he didn’t realize he had even done it for a moment or so, until he got the distinct feeling that he was forgetting something and he saw blue electricity spark out of the corner of his eye. Bucky yelped, suddenly he could feel the shocks beginning to surge through him, mild at first and growing, and he kicked the water tap off with his foot and reached back to pull the prosthetic off. He wasn’t sure, through the pain that blinded him then, whether that meant that he had succeeded or if he was now simply being electrocuted to death. He consciously tried to yell for Natalia, but he couldn’t hear himself. He felt his head smack the shower wall, he tasted blood in his mouth, he reached for his left to find an empty space there. Then, everything exploded.

The dam in Bucky’s head burst and suddenly, he wasn’t on the floor of his shower anymore, dripping wet and feeling the electricity pulse through him. He was everywhere at once, everything in one place.

It wasn’t 2014, it wasn’t, it was 1956 and he was going back on ice. He could feel himself become cold, feel it freeze into his body until it grasped his very bones and he stared into his own reflection thoughtlessly until he couldn’t see anymore.

It was 1939 and he and Steve were at a baseball game, going halves on a giant box of caramel corn.

He was watching soldiers and friends from the 107th bleed out.

He was feeding a younger sister and listening to his father lecture about not fighting the other kids anymore.

He was sitting next to Steve and wondering when everything went wrong as they prepared to ambush another Hydra base.

He was killing two American men.

Natalia he was running he was yelling for her NATALIA there were bullets he felt pain

He was following orders, just following orders, and he pointed the gun.

He was hit over the head by handlers and he felt blood, but he didn’t say anything and no one noticed.

He was in Brooklyn, in Russia, in London, in Germany, in Switzerland, in Chicago, in DC, in Ukraine, on his bathroom floor, a few feet away from his short-circuiting left arm.

And it hurt. Beyond the pain of being shocked that made his whole body sore and the electric pain webbing out from his now-empty metal socket, his head felt like it was exploding. He wasn’t entirely sure when and where and who he was. There was too much, it was an information overload, it was all there, all of it, an entire lifetime.

Through the memories, he caught flashes of Natalia in his face and there was panic in her eyes and he felt like he wanted to rejoin whatever time and place that was in order to soothe the fear out of her face. He tried to lift his hand to reach her, but nothing moved and he wondered where his left arm went.

Then, he was gone, more times, more places, he was flickering through them all, being every one.

Although he only had at least seven years worth of memories of the Winter Soldier total, the rest of the time he assumed spent in cryostasis, each and every memory during that time was beyond painful. He felt a distinct sting in his head as his programming protested against it, but he saw everything. He could feel the collapse inwards on him and he realized that he had been holding this misconception that regaining his memories might be a good thing.

He realized with a very real pain and panic and fear that regaining his memories was absolutely not a good thing.