Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

33 Skype

Bucky asked Natasha for her laptop and she brought it to him and he had difficulty navigating it, so she helped him find the video chatting app.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Natasha said, snapping the laptop lid closed quickly and sliding herself in-between Bucky and the computer, blocking him every time he reached for it. “Who are you calling?” She demanded. Bucky stared at her.

“Tony,” he said.

“Is there something wrong with your arm?” Natasha asked, picking up his left hand and turning his wrist as she inspected it. She squeezed his hand, although it made him sad that he could only tell by watching the way her fingers closed instead of feeling her grasp. He took his hand back slowly and stared at her eyes intensely.

“My arm is fine,” Bucky said. Natasha stared at him suspiciously. She knew why he wanted to talk to Tony, she just didn’t want to let him. “Please, Natasha,” he said. “I need to do this.”

“Says who,” Natasha said. Bucky kept his eye contact with her steady.

“Natasha,” he said and switched quietly to Russian. “Please.” Natasha looked down at him, sitting at his desk, and something in her eyes looked hurt, but he watched her build up a very effective wall around it and she slowly slipped away from him.

“Fine,” she replied in English. “Fine, but… Be gentle on him. Be gentle on yourself, okay?”

“Okay,” Bucky said, opening the laptop lid again.

“Do you want me to be here?” Natasha asked. Bucky glanced over at his bed behind him and Natasha took the cues from his face and sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, just out of the camera frame, and watched him. Bucky called Tony Stark.

Tony’s face filled the screen after a time and he squinted into the camera, confused.

“Soldier-cicle number two,” he pronounced loudly. “Hello. What do you need?”

Bucky realized now with a sick feeling in his heart and his stomach that he really didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry about Howard and Maria, Tony,” Bucky said. Tony stared at him for a long time, stunned, then cleared his throat and looked away.

“Thank you,” he said after a long, silent pause. Bucky looked down. Natasha leaned towards him out of the corner of his eye. He could feel her concern.

“Do you know, then?” Bucky asked. He wasn’t entirely sure what to expect from Tony’s reaction. He didn’t know to what extent he’d have to explain himself and how much he would have to apologize before Tony hung up.

“I knew,” Tony said. “I knew this whole time.”

“Then why did you fix my arm?” Bucky asked, bewildered. “Why were you kind to me.”

“People change,” Tony said. “And it wasn’t your fault. And I couldn’t, I couldn’t tell Cap, I couldn’t not help you.” Bucky nodded thoughtfully. There was a bitter taste in his mouth and a sharp pain in his heart. Tony began to pace behind the camera and Bucky watched him, hunched over the screen. He glanced back at Natasha, whose face was red. She smiled weakly at him and he turned back around. “I wanted to blame you so badly!!” Tony cried. He wasn’t facing the camera, but he whirled around now and stared right up at Bucky. “I wanted to hate you!” Bucky watched Tony’s shoulders slump. “But I couldn’t. You aren’t, you aren’t like Loki. I can’t just hate you. It was… We were all victims here, okay?” Bucky realized there were tears, wetness on his cheeks and he furiously wiped them away with both hands.

“Thank you,” Bucky whispered at Tony through the camera. Tony looked away again and nodded.

“Yeah,” he said. “So, um, how’s that arm?” Bucky didn’t really want to show him because his hands, both of his hands, were shaking, and he didn’t want Tony to think he’d broken his arm again, but he held up his left arm and tried to steady it’s trembling.

“It’s fine,” Bucky said. “No, it’s great, actually. I’m just, um, shaky, that’s just me, ignore that.”

“Glad to see you haven’t gotten it crushed again,” Tony said. Bucky smiled a little.

“I’m glad, too,” he replied.

“How’s Steve?” Tony asked and Bucky’s smile vanished. He glanced back at Natasha, who looked away.

“Um,” Bucky said as he turned back slowly. “Um, Steve’s okay. He’s at his apartment right now, though, so you can call him later.”

“Okay, well, tell him I said hi,” Tony said and Bucky nodded.

“I will.”

“Tell him I said to watch out for you, okay?” Tony added before he ended the call. He was grinning at Bucky. “I don’t want you smushed again, fixing arms isn’t as easy as I make it look.” Bucky couldn’t smile back.

“I’ll tell him,” he said quietly and the screen went black and Bucky felt something well up again in his chest and he couldn’t stop another stream of tears from streaking his face. He put his face in his hands and his shoulders shook. He felt Natasha drape herself over him in an embrace and it felt so good to be held, but it was also painful, he could barely appreciate her arms around his chest and shoulders because he was crying so hard. He let her pull him up and take him over to his bed and sit him down. He was overwhelmed with emotion. He felt like a weight had been taken off of his chest.

“Oh, Bucky,” Natasha said and she kissed his cheek gently. He couldn’t quite believe it. He’d been forgiven. He had expected a torrent of hatred, had welcomed a punishment he felt he deserved, but in the end, he had always been forgiven. Tony didn’t hold it against him. Tony forgave him. Bucky barely let himself believe it.

Bucky wept until he exhausted himself and Natasha left him so he could sleep. When he woke up, there was another box of thin mints sitting next to him, with a smiley face drawn on the front in Sharpie.