Hello, My Name Is Daniel

Entry Twenty

"the things i think i love will surely bring me pain."

     -king for A day, pierce the veil ft. kellin quinn

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Ace,

     I made the mistake of calling a house a home and I wanted to correct that. I'm in the car with Mrs. Parker and we're driving to the house and I'm scared we'll get there and no one's there or my mom's going to be there fucking a random and she won't let me stay if she sees the shattered glass from the old pictures of dad and the yellow stained walls from me and mom smoking too much inside. I don't like not knowing what I'm stepping into.

     I've had to control every microscopic aspect about myself for over a year now and I don't like this. These possibilities are not okay. im not okay with this.

     She keeps looking at me. Maybe because I'm typing this out on a phone I got as a departure gift Or maybe she thinks I'm texting someone but I don't think I like her watching me. I feel like she's testing me and expecting me to fail.

     I just want to see Alice one more time. I want to yell at my mom to start acting like a parent instead of a preteen babysitter waiting for someone to step up and claim us. I want to yell from the top of the tallest roof that Alice is the best fucking person to ever fucking grace anyone's presence and they should all be fucking grateful if they've had the pleasure of meeting her.

     I want to make things right. and after im done screaming and my throat rubs together like fresh sandpaper, I'll jump knowing that I was no longer needed. I would have done my part and no one would need to feel a connection to me anymore.

     I just want to meet Travis first. Just to make sure Alice will truly be okay. She will always come before anything else.

i need to know that she has a safety net before i knowingly cause her distress.

Everyone has their own precious thing, or person, or place, or whatever and Alice is mine.

     We're almost to the house and I really need a smoke to calm these feelings. I don't like this. Not okay. This is not okay. But I'll still smile when we get there.

-Daniel