The Unextraordinary Life of Alexandra Jane (Editing)

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Extraordinary

I've never thought about death, I've always had something to worry about. Whether it's school, or my mom or just life in general.

The only time I thought about my life ending was when I pressed the blade of the scissors against my wrist. I didn't think about death, I thought about life at the time. I thought about how difficult my life had turned, how I wanted to take the easy way out. I didn't think about what would happen once I was "out". What it would feel like to be dead, where I would go. I didn't think about whether my soul was worthy for heaven or doomed to hell. I didn't think about death at all

But recently I've been thinking about it all, almost all the time

Especially today during Harry's funeral service, I sit here and stare at the silver necklace in my hands and wonder where he is, what he's doing if he's still alive in some far off place that is non existent to us

I thought it would be like in the movies where I would catch him in my arms and scream at him to stay with me, to not dare leave me. 

I thought that while the ambulance came, he would be hanging by a thin thread, speaking in between breaths, telling me it was all going to be okay. Promising me it would all be okay

But I was delusional

He fell back as I ran too him, his eyes were open but his chest was still.

I tried, I tried so hard, hopelessly tried to bring him back to life.

But nothing, his eyes were wide and the iris of his eyes dilated, a blood stain growing on his white button up shirt. I screamed louder than I thought was possible, shredding my vocal chords.

Begging him to answer me, to open his eyes and come back to me

He laid in my arms while I dialed 911, I watched Louis run down the street on foot. 

My head told me to follow him, to not let him get away, but my heart remained still, it didn't beat.

I shook his shoulders, I searched for his pulse, I idiotically kissed him like they do in fairy tales. 

I managed to do everything possible too wake him, but he never did.

The person I wanted, the person I needed most, the person I've learned to love and care for and desire most in life is gone, and it's my fault.

 I think about all the times Harry saved me on so many occasions and I couldn't even save him

Now feeling desolate, I watch as strangers talk about Harry as if they knew him, but I don't feel angry. I watch as people place white roses on top of his casket. If my heart was working, It would be aching every time a sob escaped Anne's clenched teeth. 

Grief filling every inch of my body is what they want to believe but they can't, they can't put a name to how I feel, you can't feel what I'm feeling. It's a nauseating constant clawing at your chest that you just desperately want to go away, you feel like it's suffocating you and you just want to believe that it's just another nightmare and that at any moment you'll wake up

But I don't I just sit and watch as the crowd disperses, leaving empty rows of chairs in front of the casket that holds Harry's body. I remain seated when everyone's left until a hand touches my shoulder 

"Alex," I look up to fine Anne's bright eyes staring down at me, her lip quivers as she gives me a shaky smile. 

The guilt punches my gut, making me inner organs twist and turn at the sight of her pain filled face

Her eyes always were full of life and dancing light, they used to crinkle at the corners even when she was talking. Now they're turned down at the sides and are glossy.