Dear, No One

Hold me

SHOUTOUT TO QUILAJ! I heard you voted and commented on my friends book, you the real mvp!

"Baby don't let me down, got allot going on right now and I need you to hold me.
Baby don't let me down,  got allot going on right now,  and I need you beside me. When it gets cold and I'm feeling kind of lonely,  I'm hoping that you wanna put a cover on me." -Janine & the mixtape

"just the wrong place at the wrong time Carter? Don't you lie to me." I stared Carter in the eye while he sat on the sofa after being released from the hospital

"yes ma, the fuck you think I be out there doing? You know me better than to think I'm out hustling. You think I'm hustlin?"

"you've done it before, you tell me. "

he looked at me with eyes of hurt, like he was hurt I'm accusing him of hustling

I finally just have in "I know your not hustling. I'm sorry I'm turning up on you for dumb shit, my head ain't been right the past few weeks. Imma go lay down."

I started walking down this big ass hallway to the master bedroom,  and out of know where I began crying.  Man, I miss my mom. I got to the bedroom and headed straight for the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and cried even harder. Looking at the makeup smeared on my face I remember the time I came home crying to my mom that no guys liked me and she got mad. seriously, she got mad. She told me that I was beautiful, no matter how much I thought I looked like a ostrich. 

I looked in the mirror and smiled "well ma, am I still pretty? Because I look like an ostrich they used to test makeup on" I started laughing. "ma, I miss you so much..."

I heard Ct walk up behind me them moments later he wiped the tears falling from my eyes.  I looked up in the mirror only to see his eyes begin to water.

He held me and took a deep breath "I miss her too bae, she meant the world to me. And I know she meant the world to you too-" a tear rolled down the side of his face as he clenched his jaw "and it's OK to be mad. it's ok to cry. It's OK to punch the the wall,  or the mirror,  shit, hit me.  ITS OK. It sucks knowing you'll never hear someone's voice again-" he was fully crying now "it fucking sucks not being able to say goodbye to someone you love. SHIT, it's sucks that you even have to say goodbye. I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorr-"

before he could finish I turned around facing him and just held him. We both lost a mom. She made such a huge impact on our lives, to be honest,  if it wasn't for momma I don't think we would be together. She always made me talk to him,  even when I was mad.

We stood there holding each other for a while, then he grabbed my arm,  grabbed two giant fluffy pillows, four big blankets and junk food and told me to follow him, so I did.

He gave all the blankets and shit to me and he grabbed a ladder, put it against the side of our ranch style home and through the blankets and pillows on the roof and signaled for me to start climbing. 

One we both were on the roof he made one giant sleeping area for us and he put the junk right next to where we laid.

Ct inhaled and began talking "When I was younger, before my dad bounced, we would sit outside till 4 am looking at the stars. He would always say the brightest star, the star the catches your eye more than any other star is a loved one that past away." he pointed to the brightest star gleaming in the 2 am morning sky "that one... see it ? That's ma. definitely. " he pulled me closer to his side and he kissed my forehead "I have a feeling, this won't be the last time we see that star"

I smiled and held him closer. I know God took my mom away from me, but he blessed me with Carter,  and Carter wants to spend the rest of his life with me.... and in that moment I heard my mom say as clear as day " Dios sabe lo que está haciendo" yes ma... God does know what he is doing.