Pause, Replay

Three

[dedicated to reachingformorex for banner/cover at the side]

Dear Diary,

It's been almost a week since that first session and I haven't written anything in you in a while eventhough I promised Dr.Goodwill I'd aim for a daily entry. I'd like to say it's because I'm better now but the truth is my life is boring and I didn't have anything worthwhile to share with you. But now I do! Have something worthwhile to write, that is.

Sort of.

Whatever, you decide.

So, I was busy getting my things for AP World History today when Kara came up to me and offered me her condolences for Sloane's death. And by that I mean, ''Gosh, Jay. I'm really sorry about Sloane.''

''Okay.'' (Me, trying really hard to ignore her so that she'd know I'm not interested.)

''No, really. Such a shame. I miss her. We all do.'' she jerked her pointy chin in her friends' general direction. They were patiently waiting at the water fountain, pretending not to be hung on our every word.

I laughed at that-well, more like snorted, actually-because the idea of her and her friends missing Sloane was, quite frankly, hilarious. Kara and her crowd were what you might term as popular. Whenever they talked, people either clammed up or started nodding furiously at everything they said. But not Sloane. Sloane was a free spirit, a floater, she didn't care about her reputation or the silly social rules that everyone at Marquette High seemed to abide by. And that's what made her public enemy #1, along with the fact that she was bestfriends with Patrick Villeneuve, Kara's crush.

Ignoring my laugh, Kara went on, louder this time, probably so that her friends could hear. ''I was just wondering, since you and Sloane were so close, what happened?''

This got my attention. I didn't like where this was going. I slammed my locker shut and glared at her. ''It was on the news, Kara. Car crash, remember?''

She nodded. ''But I couldn't help but wonder why she lost control of the car? Was she drinking? I mean it would make sense since she was so-''

''So what?''

Kara's green eyes grew wide at my aggressive tone. ''Oh, nothing.''

The bell rang. I walked away, clutching my books to my chest and taking deep breaths, hoping it would calm my beating heart.

''Oh, and Jaïya?''

''What?'' I spun around with such force, my ponytail whipped into my face and stuck to my glossed lips. I blew the strands away so that I could stare daggers at Kara and her friends.

''If you want, you can sit with us at lunch.''

I rolled my eyes and heard her call out to me over the swarm of students heading to class. ''I'm serious! Bring anyone you want!''

This got another laugh to escape my lips. Anyone you want obviously translated into Patrick since he was the only real friend I had left. Kara didn't see Sloane's death as a loss. She saw it as an opportunity, an opportunity to get closer to Patrick and me. Reclaim what she thought was rightfully hers.

I can't believe I'd ever been friends with her.

___

Patrick had a student council meeting at lunchtime so I ate alone at the park right across from school. I didn't mind, really. I liked the quiet. It gave me time to think. About Sloane. About Kara. About all the bad choices I'd made since I entered high school.

Then I started thinking about the last bad choice I'd made, the night Sloane died, and I started crying. Small drops fell into my plate of burger and fries, making me loose my appetite. I got up, wiped my tears away and tossed my lunch in the garbage. Dry leaves scattered the floor, covering it in a crunchy blanket of greens, reds and oranges. I pulled my cardigan closer to my body to shield myself from the light fall breeze. Then I pulled out a book and began to read. But I couldn't. The words were all messed up in my brain. I was seeing Sloanes instead of Katherines, Patricks instead of Matts and It's you fault's instead of I love you's. It was beyond sickening so I slammed the book shut and pulled out some homework instead.

But I couldn't help but think back to that night and what I did. It was clinging to me, like an itch that wouldn't go away.

That's when I promised myself, then and there, that I'd never do anything like it ever again.

And then finally, I was able to focus on conjugating French verbs.

Peacefully, Jaïya