She's My Life

Chapter 8

"So you mean, she lied about what made her happy... " Mark said after I told him and Dee about what happened earlier.

We are in a bar now, drinking. When I asked them to join me they said Yes without any questions. Maybe because they already knew that I need someone right now, that I have a problem and they new who and what it is about.

"Yeah.... " I said and chugged down my drink till it's empty.

"Well... If she was happy like you said, then there's no reason for her to lie... " said Dee with a frown.

"I know that.... Iyan din ang nasa isip ko kanina pa. " I said frowning.

"Don't think too much bro, maybe it's just nothing, wag mo masyadong paganahin ang isip mo, pinahihirapan mo lang ang sarili mo eh..... " said Mark .

"Yeah, Mark's right, don't think too much. " Dee counters.

I sign. "I know, I keep telling that to myself, but, I don't know, I have this feeling that something's going to happen, and it won't be good, at least to me... " I said and chug down my drink.

"You know bro, you might not like this but you've been in so much pain for a long time now, bakit hindi mo subukang tumingin sa iba? " Dee said uncertainly.

I looked at him. It's not as if I did not try that, I did, a lot of times, whenever I thought of giving up, whenever the pain becomes unbearable. But when I was already on the situation, my heart and body seems to stop functioning. I would always feel numb. And the pain that I felt would double. And there would always be a thought that I was betraying her. And I can't also imagine myself being with someone else...

I took a deep breath. "My heart... just the thought of it suffocates me. I did naman eh, diba? You guys know that. I tried hard, but it's just..." I exhaled hard. "it doesn't work out bro. The women I dated, I couldn't even bear to kiss them much less hold their hands. Just the mere thought that I will hold someone else in this hand, in my arms, makes me nauseous. I just can't Dee, I can't. Hindi lang puso ko ang may ayaw ng iba, buong pagkatao ko. " Tears fell from my eyes one after another. I breathed deeply to clear my airway. "Anong magagawa ko kung buong pagkatao ko ang kalaban ko? What am I supposed to do?"

Mark and Dee looked at me with sympathy because they knew better than anyone the effects of these feelings on me. Mark tapped my shoulder, to console me.

♡♡♡♡♡

I arrived home a little tipsy. I went up the second floor to go to my room but I stopped when I passed by my Angel's room. I turned to stare at the shut door. I stood there like the idiot I am. As my mind went on to the person who's most possibly be sleeping already inside the room.

Then I remember what happened earlier again. The pain I felt came rushing back like a flash of lightning. I'm starting to feel suffocated. I might be thinking too much but I just can't put a finger on the strange feeling that I am feeling right now.

It's as if something will happen. And it won't be in favor of me. Something in me is saying that something will happen that will put my feelings to the test and that I will feel more pain than I already have.