Convict

25.

He sighed and gave me a sad smile, the kind of smile that said a thousand words without so much as uttering one. He knew that this was killing me, that I was putting on this bravado in front of everyone, yet alone I was falling apart. I had to be strong, I had to be strong for Oliver, for Henry; even just for the everyday prison guards. Watching the governors come and go every day was a painful reminder of the very limited days we had left. How can you show someone just how much they mean to you in only four weeks?

Henry left my office with a wave and left me alone to my thoughts. I stared at the computer screen in front of me, the words starting to become a jumble as I found myself consumed within my own mind once again. What did these dreams mean? The voices? Why was Ashton there and not Oliver?

Surly I'm truly past Ashton at this point? It can't be a sign that I still need to move on, then there was mom. Why was I dreaming so clearly of her? Hearing her voice? Truthfully, I think I'm going insane. There is only so much trauma the brain can take, and this is one hell of a ride mine is going on.

You see, the heart and your brain are connected – This being my mom's theory anyway- You think with your brain, but when your heat takes over; that's when things tend to get a little messy. Your heart is impulsive, curious and so open, your brain on the other hand; well that's something else entirely, your brain is cautious, careful and guarded. You brain tends to lead you along the straight and narrow, down a long thought out path. Thinking of every possible obstacle and ways to overcome it. You heart is blind, it takes you down a path of mystery and leads you to places unknown.

My heart had well and truly taken over with Oliver, my brain just couldn't deal with this kind of trauma. It was suffering damage because of my stupid, inquisitive heart that I listen to so carefully. I wanted to make the right decision, I wanted to save myself the hurt and the pain. This was the right decision, this was the decision that would benefit us all, this was my brain's rational thoughts.

But I can't.

My heart will not let me let go of him, it skips after him no matter where he goes. No matter how dark and hopeless this path is, no matter how absolute the ending of this path; It will not let him go. I never want to let him go, I never want my heart to lose sight of what it wants, I never want it to be lost and travelling down this dark, desolate and desperate path to find him.

"Chloe"

Her voice echoed around the office, bringing my out of my subconscious thoughts. I jumped as my name repeated, fading slowly into nothing. I could feel my heart beat picking up, it was rapid as I sat there looking around the room. Her voice kept shouting my name, she sounded desperate as she repeatedly called me. I could practically feel my heart hammering against my chest now, I was sure if it got any harder I would have a heart attack.

"Mom!" I shouted into nothing "Mom, stop!" I begged her, tears streaming down my face "Please...Please just stop"

I could feel the tears streaming as I sat there, my heartbeat started to slow as I sat at my desk, my face in my hands as the sobs rattled through my body. Her voice stopped calling me, the room was silent all for the sound of my desperate tears. I needed this to stop, I needed this all to stop. How can I do this? How can I pretend that everything is just okay? How can I walk in the cell, see his stupid, handsome face and just pretend I'm perfectly fine with losing him? I let my tears slowly ebb away as I sat there, I had no interest in leaving the office any time soon. Oliver was out in the courtyard; Henry would either be in a meeting or having lunch. I wasn't required anywhere; I wasn't needed to be present anywhere. I just needed to be alone, I needed to be myself and alone. I needed a moment to feel vulnerable just for a few short minutes.