Strings of Memory

Chapter 10

Since the day he died, he never appeared in my dreams, kahit na gustuhin ko pang mangyari iyon. But it never did. So why now?

Let's make your dreams come true, Wyn.

Biglang pumasok sa isip ko ang sinabi niya sa panaginip ko. Did that dream happen because... I had a conversation about dreams? Is that the reason? Since I talked to that girl about dreams, it triggered something within me. After all, dreams will always be connected to my father.

Having a dream is like a curse. You can try to forget it, bury it, pretend like it doesn't exist, but it's always there. It's like a ghost that's constantly haunting me. And somehow, I regretted ever wanting to have a dream like the people around me. Because unlike them, I can't pursue it without hurting, and I don't want that. Dreams are supposed to make you feel fulfilled, not something that hurts you.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga bago tumayo at naglakad papunta sa classroom namin. The class had already finished, so I need to go home now.

Huminto ako sa harap ng pinto ng classroom namin at pipihitin ko na sana ang doorknob nang makita ko ang desk mate ko. I could see her through the glass part of the door, and she was sitting on her seat. She's alone, and she has her headphones in her ears.

I suddenly felt a sense of déjà vu. This already happened. Tinignan ko ang mga mata niya to check if she's crying again. Nang makumpirmang walang luha sa mga mata niya, napabuntong hininga ako. I don't want to see her cry again. I don't want to feel that tightness in my chest that her tears caused.

She was just looking in front. She looked like she was staring at something very distant because of how she looked. She has that look again. She looked so lost and serious at the same time, just like the time I saw her on the rooftop.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga bago napagdesisyuhan kong pihitin ang doorknob. And for the second time, I stopped when I heard her voice.

"If I could throw everything away
Would it be easier to live my life laughing?
Don't say any more words
'Cause it would hurt my heart again"

I froze in my spot, and I couldn't help but feel a shiver run down my spine as I listened to her.

"If I could forget everything
Would it be easy to live without tears?
But I can't do that
Don't show me anything anymore"

It's not the kind of shiver that's bad, but I'm having goosebumps! Her voice sounds so angelic, so beautiful. It's as if... she's crying but she really isn't.

"No matter how close I get to you
I only got one heart
Too bad, too bad, please tear up
Please tear up my body, do whatever you like
Shouting, struggling, eyelids swelling
Yet you hold me tight and never let me go
I had enough"

My heart pounded loudly against my chest, just like the day I ran away from her when I saw her on the rooftop. I put my hand on my chest at pinakiramdaman iyon.

No. I was wrong. This is not the same as that time. This is much worse. The pounding is so loud and fast that I could almost hear it in my ears.

Sinubukan kong humugot ng malalim na hininga para mapakalma ang nagwawala kong puso.

Pero kahit anong pagpapakalma ko dito ay wala pa din iyong epekto. Kahit tumigil na siya sa pagkanta, my heart just won't calm down.

I clasped my polo tightly while still breathing heavily. It's like I just ran, and now I'm almost breathless dahil sa sobrang pagod, and that's how she caught me. While I was so busy calming myself, I didn't even notice that she already stood up from her seat. The only reason I became aware of her presence was because she spoke.

"Are you okay, Wynther?" Bakas ang pag-aalala sa boses niya, at nang titigan ko ang mukha niya ay kitang-kita ko din doon ang pag-aalala. Para sa akin.

Halos mahigit ko ang hininga dahil sa nakita ko. She's worried about me.

Nanatili akong nakatitig sa kanya, and as if on cue, the color of my world started to come back, and that only made my heart pound more.

I could finally see her brown curly hair and brown eyes that were full of worry for me. While looking at me like that, I couldn't help but think how beautiful she is. How angelic she looked. And how she's affecting me so greatly.

Naramdaman ko ang marahan niyang pagtapik sa braso ko at muling nagsalita. I couldn't hear what she said, but I knew she just repeated her question.

Parang may kung anong kuryente akong naramdaman nang maramdaman ko ang init ng kamay niya sa braso ko. Although that was just a light tap, it felt like her touch was imprinted on my skin, and I could still feel its warmth.

Sunod-sunod akong napalunok habang nakatingin pa rin sa kanya. Ibinuka ko ang bibig ko at sinubukang magsalita, pero walang boses na lumabas. Kaya naman sinubukan ko ulit, and this time, I was successful.

"Y-yes." Nauutal kong sagot at nagmamadaling pumasok sa classroom para kuhanin ang bag ko.

Why did I stutter? She will think I'm weird! Shit!

Mabilis kong kinuha ang bag ko at nilagpasan siya. She tried to call me, but I pretended I couldn't hear her. I was almost sprinting para lang makaalis sa lugar na iyon dahil hindi ko gusto ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

I'm scared of the way she makes me feel. She's the only one capable of making me feel this way, aside from that time I was introduced to the bass. And I know. I know right at this very moment what's happening, but I want to deny it.

I want to deny it as much as possible because I'm a coward. I'm scared of feeling that powerful emotion again and ending up getting hurt. I don't want to experience that same heartbreak I felt before.

Nang makauwi ay nagkulong lang ako sa kwarto ko at pilit na pinakalma ang sarili pero walang epekto. Sinubukan kong umakto ng normal habang kaharap si Mommy, and I'm glad she didn't notice.

When night came and it was time to sleep, whenever I tried to close my eyes, her voice would find its way into my ears. It's like aside from her touch from earlier, her voice left a deeper mark on my heart.

I couldn't sleep because of my heart's constant pounding every time I think of what just happened, and I feel scared because of it. But at the same time, I also somehow felt excited.