Say Something...

The sound of Silence

---Nicolai's POV---

Soft exhales disrupted the silence of the room, an occasional snuffle and sigh filled the air before the deep breathing continued. Even though I should've kept Thomas at a distance, just so my heart wouldn't get involved with his progress, I could no longer fight he pull he had on me.

Which is why he was laying in the bed beside me; fingers slightly clutching my shirt, face smushed against my side while he tried to curl up as best as he could, only stopped by my own body. His lips were slightly parted, pink and glistening as he slept soundly, often twitching in his sleep.

Of course, with his cutting habit came a new security level and I had instantly volunteered to spend most of my time with Thomas. It was my own fault that he had gotten into this stage in the first place, and I was determined to get him back out of it.

Still, Thomas was going to have a hard time ahead of him as he had to focus on both his physical and his mental recovery. In his darkest time, he had neglected his leg stretches and exercises, causing his muscles to deteriorate slowly once more.

The next couple of weeks were going to be very painful for him, not only because of the painful work out that laid ahead of him, but also the loss of his pain addiction. I knew that it wasn't really the pain but more the control at the time that was addicting.

Because of him being able to cut himself, adding pain to his body to remove the mental pain, allowed him to be in control. Now that we found out however, he would no longer be capable of cutting himself.

But the need to do so would still be there, for quite a long time too. He was going to lash out violently, the need to cut overtaking at times and his emotions running haywire, but this time, I would be there for him.

I'm sure that if I were to read the rules somewhere, it would tell me that a relationship like this was forbidden, and that it was sexual misconduct, basically abusing Thomas' trust in me to form a relationship between us.

A sigh escaped me as I went over the pros and cons in my head; I didn't want to abandon Thomas as a doctor, nor was I willing to send him on his way as a potential lover, but what could I do? If I started our relationship while he was under my care, my career and the countless of patients counting on me, were in grave danger.

But I... I can't. I just can't drop Thomas and ignore him like I tried and failed to do so the past few weeks. Especially after seeing how far I had pushed him further into the abyss instead of taking him in hand and pulling him into the sunlight.

I blinked and looked down as Thomas sighed, a fist loosely wrapped around my shirt and resting on my stomach, his breathing warming my pectorals as he sighed in his sleep. My fingers reached down to brush the blonde hairs out of his face before I reached up to rub over my own face.

Damn.. I needed to assign a replacement so that Thomas could keep his treatment up while I was able to retain my job. It was unethical for me to stay as Thomas' doctor while also being his lover, and if word got out even now, we'd still be frowned upon.

Though... I slowly realized with a frown that I didn't seem to care as much. My career, my pride and joy, this clinic, all paled in comparison to the curled form that rested beside me.

A soft knock sounded on the door before Deborah poked her head in. Her brown eyes gleamed as she watched us, a muffled squeal slipping before she pressed her lips tightly together.

"Yes, Deborah?" I asked with a raised eyebrow, wondering why she was nearly bouncing on the ball of her feet as she eyed the way Thomas was wrapped around me and made little sounds of protest in his sleep when I tried to push myself upright in the bed.

"What? Oh, um, yes! I've taken the liberty to contact Andrew and checked to see if he had any patients at the moment. His schedule is free so far and he's willing to pack up and come on over to take care of Thomas." She winked at my stunned look before she squealed once more when Thomas nuzzled under my chin.

He jumped and blinked sleepily, causing Deborah to slap her hands over her mouth, eyes widened as I tugged Thomas closer, soothing him back to sleep. "Sorry, sorry, just, you two are so cute together! I can't help myself!"

She fluttered with her hands and quickly fled the room, giggling to herself as she did. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, knowing all too well that the rumor mill was going to have one heck of a time with this one.

The doctor, falling for his patient.

I sighed and slowly but surely managed to push myself further up in the bed, prying myself away from Thomas. He huffed and frowned before cuddling up to my pillow and sighing softly. Gently, my fingers wrapped around his wrist, lifting his arm and placing it down so I could have a decent look at his wounds.

The sight of the welts that contrasted sharply against his pale, smooth skin, made me sick to the stomach. The wounds had been cleaned and those that were rather deep had been stitched. Still, they would leave scars that would haunt Thomas and bring him back to this moment.

They would forever be a reminder of his pain.

I swallowed with some difficulty, making sure that the stitches were looking well enough before I wrapped his arm once more. From now on I would be diligent and observe Thomas' behavior closely, so this would never happen again.

Leaning down, I pressed a gentle kiss against his scarred flesh and caught the little gasp when my lips brushed against his scars. Lifting my eyes to his sleepy ones, I pressed another kiss before wrapping his arm up.

"No more, you hear me?"

Thomas' eyes flickered, looking at his scars before flitting through the room, as if looking to find an answer. I waited patiently, pausing my hands until he replied with a nod and a deep sigh.

" 'msorry." He murmured, struggling to stay awake. Shaking my head, I pressed a kiss to his forehead after I finished wrapping him up, drawing him back in my arms.

"Don't be. I know why you did it, but if you feel down, if your thoughts are becoming too dark and heavy to bear, talk to me."

He nodded again, silently pressing against my chest as he blinked slowly. Silence filled the room, and I didn't expect him to break it any time soon. He was probably coming to terms with it himself, never mind the mourning and physical pain he was going through.

My fingers brushed over his arm as I slowly explained, "One of my colleagues is going to take over your case, " Thomas' head popped up instantly, eyes wide in fear before he calmed down when I continued, "Shh, Its simply so I can remain by your side as we figure things out."

He slowly laid back down, though I felt his heart drum sharply against my side, his eyes open and staring at the darkening room. I could almost hear the gears in his head churn, and without a doubt he'd be blaming himself for this situation.

There was nobody to blame though and I could feel him slowly relax as I pressed a kiss against his temple before sliding down to lay more comfortable. My own eyes were getting heavy and I could tell that Thomas himself was still struggling to keep himself awake.

We'll have a deeper talk about this...after a little nap.