Say Something...

The Fight Ahead

I hadn't told Nicolai of the dream, the vision I had. It felt too personal, too intimate to tell him that David had basically given his blessings and said his goodbyes.

The mere idea that he had been here. That he had indeed flicked me on the forehead, pressed one last kiss in a gentle goodbye that broke my heart...

But no matter how haunting or heartbreaking that moment was, there was an odd sense of relief. A physical weight that has been dragged from my shoulders, giving me room to breathe.

David would always remain in my heart, as my first true love. Someone I had planned to spend the remainder of my life with.

But his ghost, memory or even just my subconscious, had reminded me that this wasn't what David wanted for me.

He would never have wanted me to punish myself for things I had no control over. Like the therapy sessions had pointed out, I was at no fault for being there, nor was David.

We had just been at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Like Andrew had stated multiple times throughout our sessions, it was just a case of bad luck.

We both were victims of fate. And I shuddered to think of who else could've become a victim, as there was a bus stop not too far away from the house. Just the idea that a slew of kids could've been waiting for the bus on that fateful day...

Breakfast was utilized in complete silence, a daze that I couldn't quite shake. Yet even if the room was silent, I wasn't quite alone.

Flitting my eyes to my right, I easily spotted Nicolai as he worked on some files before blushing as his eyes easily found mine over his reading glasses.

Averting my gaze, I fought back the slight blush as his blue eyes nearly made me shiver

I anticipated the sharp spike of guilt to stab through my core but when nothing happened, I glanced at Nicolai once more, squeaking audibly when he was still looking my way.

His smile turned into a smirk before he shook his head, focusing back to the files in his hands.

Even though he could no longer treat me as his patient, that didn't mean that others weren't waiting for his excellent care. He still had a business to run and patients to treat.

My fingers twitched in my lap after the last of my eggs and toast was cleaned from the plate. Even under the bed covers, it was so easy to see that part of me, a physical part of me, was missing.

And yet, there were means to get over that loss. Like everyone here had been showing me, until I was comfortable with the prosthetics, I had a wheelchair to drive around with.

I still had options and I had to silently agree. It could've been worse.

Mourning what I had lost was only natural, but it was not healthy to keep sitting in the darkness and let it envelop me. No matter how much easier that optioned seemed to be.

Because that was what depression did. It dragged you down, clouds your sight from the beautiful things in the world. Everything becomes a dull, boring grey.

It's a vicious cycle of emotions, of fear that drags you down, like a weight latched onto your ankle as you sink into an endless abyss whilst struggling to remain floating.

Even now on one of my better days, where I had a moment of clarity to ponder about the past and the future, I wasn't miraculously cured.

There was no easy fix for my situation, a single pill to swallow that would cure everything at once. Just like everyone had been instructing me, gently guiding me along, I had to be the one who put effort into this.