Antidote

Chapter 6.

"So then how did you end up here again? Where the sight of food disgusts you, the smell of food makes you vomit, you're eighty pounds, and you're abusing drugs again?"

"I don't know." She wipes at her nose again. Make that thirteen times.

"Yes you do, what happened Victoria? Was it your mother? Did she say something to you after you gave birth? Or were you disgusted with the way you looked you reverted back to old ways because that's all you ever knew beauty to be?"

I can tell that we're getting somewhere when I see the tears strolling down her gaunt face. I hand her a tissue from the table that sits between me and her. I don't make very many people cry in here, but when they do I have to stop myself from getting emotional as well. I cry when I see other people cry when the conversation is about pain and heartache because I know how it feels. Though I've never felt it I know their pain, but they don't know mine.

"Even though Jonah liked me that way, I started to feel ugly because of the number that was on the scale. I was one hundred and twenty pounds after giving birth and becauseI heard my mother's voice in the back of my head I knew I was fat and overweight. So I started using cocaine again and I stopped eating. I couldn't even breastfeed my son."

"Did Jonah know what you were doing?"

"Of course not. I'd eat dinner with him but while he was asleep I would go into the bathroom and purge and spray perfume and brush my teeth after so it wouldn't smell. He didn't know I was using either until he found the little bag in the garbage one night."

"The night he checked you into this hospital?"

"Yeah."

"I was told you didn't eat today." I realize our session is coming to an end and I have others that I still have to work with before I leave. I typically see about three or four patients a day depending on how their days go when I'm not here. I sometimes get called in during mental breakdowns, medical emergencies, and anytime I'm being asked for specifically. I like working here, I don't know if I want to leave.

"I couldn't."

"Are you going through drug withdrawals?" I've been told that she is, I just want to hear her side.

"I feel fine Dr. Greene."

"Random body tremors and shakiness, nightly seizures, insomnia, running nose, bloody noses at random, dilated pupils, refusing food, severe anxiety." I read off the list given to me by one of the nurses. "Should I go on?"

She sakes her head no wiping at her nose . . . again.

"Some of the things I mentioned could also be from your lack of eating, which means that if you don't eat, we'll have to tube you and force feed you."

"No, please don't. I'll eat." She promises but I know better than to hold her to it.

"You'll be watched by Nurse Linda all day, so no purging, or sit-ups, or five bites, or chew and spit, and absolutely no asking about calories. You cannot take a cold bath and you must sleep in a blanket since the air conditioning will be on all night."

"Jesus, you know most of the tricks."

"Victoria I'm serious, I do not want to have to force feed you and I know you don't want that either. Do your best to eat as much as you can. You have to get better not only for yourself but for your husband and your baby." I mention them because I know how much she misses them. She hasn't seen her baby since she's been here and her husband can only come for an hour during visiting hours. They are the only reasons why she's here and why she wants to get better.

When I finish my session with Victoria, I sit with two others before I leave for the day. My mother reminded me of the meeting tomorrow where we discuss our patient's progress and seek advice from one another. I sometimes dread the meetings because I feel like one of the seniors judge me for being young. I'm not respected here the way my mother is. I've managed to ignore most of the doctors here except on the mornings of the meetings.