In which angst returns and also I'm running out of ideas so I'm going to do a thing. Anyone who's reading right now, comment what I should write and I'll try to do it. As many suggesting as you want, I'd love to hear them all!
Sidenote, I know I don't put a warning usually and it's not because I don't care it's just that I sometimes forget so if that offends you then please tell me because I hate seeming insensitive. Anyways, here's the warning, there'll be self-harm, mention of suicide.
Dan's POV
~~~~~
I said goodnight to Phil, shooting him a smile before closing his door. My smile fell and I stepped into my room, feeling myself crumbling. I walked over to my drawers, pulling out a small blue box. I opened it, seeing the sharp blade inside. I took it out, setting the box down and taking the blade in my hand. I made sure the door was closed. I walked over to a corner of my room. I rolled up my sleeve, revealing the scars littering my arms. Ones that had been there for a long time. Ones that had been there for a month. The fresh red lines I'd made last night. I pressed the blade to my skin, dragging it down. I watched the blood spill over my skin, trickling out slowly.
I wished this away but it doesn't pay attention. I wished I wasn't like this. I wish I was normal, for once.
I dragged the blade over my skin twice more, then got up and cleaned my arm. I put the blade away and fell into be bed, falling into a dream-troubled sleep.
~~~~
I was sitting in the lounge with Phil and his girlfriend. They were laughing and talking and being a couple while I sat alone, staring awkwardly at the floor. I don't know quite why I was uncomfortable with being in the room but something about seeing Phil with his girlfriend, so happy, made me jealous??
I shot up and rushed out of the room, down the hall and into my room. My breathing was hitched and uneven. I heard footsteps outside my door.
"Dan? Are you alright?" Phil's concerned voice was muffled outside my door.
I didn't want to deal with this right now. I stood, opened the door, and tried to push past Phil and escape. He reached forwards and grabbed my arm. I hissed and froze. This was what I always dreaded.
"Dan...please tell me this isn't happening..." Phil murmured softly, pain in his voice.
I was shaking and I felt tears flood my eyes. Phil slowly turned me around, still holding my arm, but gently.
"Dan." Phil said simply.
I looked at my feet, biting my lip.
Phil slowly pushed my sleeve up. His face fell when he saw my scar-ridden arm.
"Dan.....why?" He asked, looking at me. I felt his eyes on me but I wasn't going to look up.
He reached down and lifting my chin. I looked at him now, and immediately I wanted to cry.
"B-because..." I started to whisper. "Because I d-deserve it."
"No, Dan you deserve so much better." Phil said sadly. "Trust me."
I shook my head. "N-no I don't. I don't deserve to even be here right now. You deserve better friends." I said, my voice shaking still.
"Dan, please don't say that. You're my best friend in the entire world and nothing can ever ever ever change that. And I wanna help you okay? I wanna see you get better." Phil said, grasping my hand tightly. "Please get better, for me?"
I looked at the floor. I couldn't get better. Did I want to, yes. So bad. But I couldn't.
Phil reached down and picked up my face again, leaning down and pressing his lips against mine.
My eyes widened in shock and I was frozen. Was...this real? Was Phil Lester....kissing me??
He pulled away, a guilty look in his eyes. "Oh god I'm sorry just got caught up and...."
I interupted him, and surprised myself, by leaning in and kissing him softly. After a few moments I pulled away and stared at the floor.
"P-Phil.....I.....I think I'm in love with you." I said quietly.
"Phil?"
It was Phil's girlfriend. I turned around, seeing her standing behind us with an angry, unbelieving look on her face.
"What's going on, why did you leave?" She asked. She knew why, she just hated me for some reason.
Phil looked angry for a second before the look went away. "Dan was distressed and he's my best friend so I had to help."
She made a face at me. "Why, he can help himself can't he? We never spend time together!"
Phil frowned. "We spend almost every day together"
"Phil do you not love me anymore?" She said quietly, acting sad but I knew she was just acting to get his attention.
I didn't want to be here. I bit my lip, trying to edge backwards. I ran into Phil and he grasped my hand tightly.
"I think we need to break up," he said to her. "We're not good for each other. Let me rephrase that, you aren't good for me."
A look of anger grew on her face and she scowled. "Fine. I never loved you anyways. Don't call me when you're missing me."
And then she was gone.
I felt tears in my eyes again, for no reason. I had no reason to cry, she was gone now. Phil turned me around, seeing my tears. He wrapped his arms around me, and I threw my arms around him. I can't remember the last time I felt comfort like this.
"P-Phil......t-thank you.....for b-being my f-friend." I said softly.
Phil lifted my chin, smiling his soft smile down at me. He leaned down and kissed me again, lighting up my world.
I can't imagine a world without him...
