Falling for You... Again

The Pain is Here to Stay

Pulling my brown-blonde hair into a sloppy bun, my mind wanders to Jason. Jason's this cute skater guy I've been hanging out with for the past month or so. My new friends are awesome, its been a few months since I've last talked to my best friend, Maria. I don't why we went our separate ways, I just know that she changed and I wasn't feeling our friendship anymore. I think back to our last huge fight.

Maria looked at me, and then glanced at the weed in my right hand. So much disappointment showed in her eyes.
"what happened to you, babe? Why are you doing this to yourself?" Tears brimmed her ocean-blue eyes. I shook my head, what am I doing that's so bad? I'm not doing anything bad to me, im helping myself.

"you don't understand. You'll never fucking understand. It just helps, Mar." I spoke after a silent moment. I couldn't stand to keep disappointing her, I can't look her in the eye, because every time I do I get the same harsh look, the look of utter disappointment. I couldn't take this. Everyone was on my back about everything, and bitching at me. I need an escape. "You know what? If you're gonna start riding my dick too, then just don't bother speaking to me, okay?" I continue, refusing to let the forming tears fall from my eyes. The bad thing was that my tears weren't out of sadness, or despair. They were hot, angry, frustrated tears. There those eyes were again, the disapproving eyes. Because everything she does is sooo perfect. She looked so broken right now, and for a split second I regretted my words.

"Okay, okay... Ell, I get you're depressed and everything about Luke, but that doesn't give you an excuse to be a total asshole to everyone who cares about you." Maria's tears overflowed from her eyes, and with one last look, she turned around and walked away. Leaving me alone, forever.

I blink tears way. Shes just a bitch anyway, I don't need her, I've been just fine on my own. I apply my dark make-up, and then my bright red lipstick. Who am I kidding? I need her, I miss her. Shut up! Think about something other than her and Luke for once! I didn't even really like Jason, he just has things that I need. Jason has drugs, and sex. Plus, he was practically in love with me, and gave me everything I could possibly want. Its actually sorta pathetic.

I blast "habits" by Tove Lo, and bring my bowl out, placing my addiction in it. The smell of weed fills my lungs, as I bring the piece to my mouth. I place the lighter above the bowl and burn the tiny crushed up leaves. Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit, I think to myself.

"I gotta stay high, all the time... to keep you off my mind"

I sing along, thinking of the one person ill always love, though I hate myself for it, the person who made me this way. I hate him for what he did to me... what he did to us. But ill never be able to stop myself from loving him. Luke. No! I tell myself, stop thinking about him! Forget about him! Hes already forgotten about you! Hasn't he?... Just let it go, Elizabeth he hurt you. He hurt you so very much. I let a single tear fall out of my eye, and bring the piece to my mouth once again, afraid to feel. Afraid of emotion, afraid of how much pain I would go through again. I pull my phone out of my pocket, and burst out laughing at how ridiculous I am, how fake I really am. I could only think of one more person who could take my mind of these things, so I text Jason.

Me: Hai bae still on for tonight? ;)

Seconds later, my phone made a dinging sound, indicating I got a new text. This boy is so lovesick, its sad. Im repeating what Lucas did to me, how could I let myself turn into the monster who broke me?

Jason: Of course :) Ily

I type a small, meaningless "i love you" back. But I didn't, oh how i truly didn't love this boy. Jason's a nice guy, and he'll find someone whose worth the pain ill put him through, but im just not that person. Hes not my type. Hes not Lucas Hensworth. Stop thinking about him! Stop doing this to yourself!

This song, it needs to change! It hurts to much to remember! To remember hes pleas, and all the calls and texts I ignored! They haunt me, taunting me throughout everyday, reminding me of how i wasn't enough for him. How ill never be good enough for anybody. Ill never forget the way his lips felt like they were created just for me, matching perfectly when we kissed, how i could still feel the way his touch made me feel like i was on fire. No, ill never forget how his lips had permanently engraved on mine.