Amnesia (Camren)

Chapter Thirty-Four: Love Me or Leave Me, Part Three

Camila

"She just got up and left Dinah. No explanation, nothing. She walked out and I haven't been able to contact her since. If she's alive, she's not spreading the news to the world, let alone me," I spilled to Dinah over the phone. I was racking my brain to find out what caused her to walk out of my life like that. I blinked for a second and poof. She vanished without a trace. I even tried making contact with her through her parents, but they were equally worried about her. They had not known she was missing. They assumed she was with me and I had just caused more panic for them when I told them that she wasn't with me. "I should have just stuck with my original plan to leave the group. Things were already set up. You guys are better off without me. She'll be happy and none of you will have to deal with our bullshit drama."

"Do not talk like that Mila. You said you were staying. You told me that you were going to stay and now you're ready to give up because she walked out?"

"I don't know if I can keep pretending that I don't love the girl next door. I do not know if I can watch, as she moves away from me and finds solace in someone else's arms because I fucked up over two years ago. I let Lucy come between us. I let my fear of being rejected by management and family be the biggest problem in my relationship with her."

When Dinah didn't say anything, I continued on with my train of thought.

"I sometimes wonder...If I had just let her go the first time, if we would have found a better way to be happy. If we would have found some way back to each other when the time was right. However, I never gave her that chance. I never allowed her to breathe because I kept coming back and let her return to me when I was the most toxic thing for her. I let her break under everything I did and when she came back, broken and irremediable, I unfortunately broke her more than a human should. I didn't think it was feasible to do the things I did to her, but somehow I found a humanly way to do it to her.

"I thought things could be fixed now. I had given up on her ever remembering our past and I was hoping to be able to build a better future for us. But she left me. She left for whatever reasons she saw while I was singing and I don't think she's coming back this time."

It was the ugly truth. I had fucked her up more ways than I could count. I had broken every piece of her heart with my insecurity, my problems with my sexuality and the doubts I had about her friendship with Lucy. I used all of that against her every time I let my fears take over and I used it to my advantage to keep her coming back. I was a horrible person back then. I do not know what I was thinking half the time when I did what I did. Nevertheless, it was no excuse for me to use now. Every single thing I did, was inexcusable then as it was now.

I was a monster.

"Give her time. She lost Lucy recently. She was a great friend of hers and she almost died again from a car accident. She's coping with a lot. Maybe it just got too much for her and that's why she left. Maybe it has nothing to do with you."

"She was rising above it, DJ. She was getting better and I was helping her with that. She wasn't hurting as much and..." The words were as fake as a $1,000,000 dollar bill. She wasn't getting better. She was, but not to the extent I was making it seem. She remained in so much pain over Lucy. She was dying slowly from the knowledge that she had survived another car crash while her friend/ex-girlfriend had died instead of her.

I had known Lauren for more than 4 years and I knew that she was guilty about surviving it when Lucy never got the chance to survive it like she had before. Guilt weighing her down and the relief of being alive still; it was a hard pill to swallow.

"Do you think...No, forget I said anything. I wouldn't think it's possible."

"What? What are you thinking in that noggin of yours?"