Amnesia (Camren)

Chapter Thirty-Four: Tell Her You Love Her, Part One

"Harry Potter?" I blurted out. It was the first thing that came to mind that wouldn't sound like I had pulled it out of my ass.

Speaking of asses...

I bit my lip as my eyes roamed over every inch of her body. Gosh, she was so fucking pretty. Can't you be mine?

But she'll never be yours. You should be dead. Dead.

I pulled my legs up to my chest and covered my ears with my hands. I knew this wouldn't solve anything. I knew this wouldn't make the voice inside my head go away. Nevertheless, I did it; as silly as it was to do. It hopefully would make me feel better.

"Do you--Lauren? What's wrong?" The words were muffled by the palm of my hands that were covering my ears. I didn't respond to her or acknowledge that she was speaking to me. I remained how I was because I was afraid the voice would come back and tell me that I should be dead.

It wasn't enough that I already felt that. It wasn't enough that I was filled to the brim with guilt. There had to be a voice in my head telling me that I was no good. That didn't deserve to be alive. That I would never have Camila as mine. That Camila was better off without me.

I knew all these things. I knew I wasn't good enough. I knew that she was so much better than me. She didn't change. She was pretty much constant throughout this whole thing. She didn't go around kissing people or sleeping with them because she got this urge. I initiated all of that. If I hadn't, then Lucy would be alive.

Lucy would be alive because I wouldn't have gone to see Camila about pictures that never would have leaked.

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Camila

She was trying to keep it together but I knew it was hard on her. There were times at night when I would wake up and she would be trembling or fidgeting in her sleep. Lots of restless nights followed because I couldn't go back to sleep knowing that she was probably having a nightmare.

To be in her shoes, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. No one deserved to go through this. I had researched it extensively since I spent most nights awake. She was going through survivor's guilt. Though her case was a little different compared to the multiple examples I found online, I believed that is what was causing her so much turmoil.

Not knowing what to do, I just did the one thing I knew that always helped when either one of us was feeling under the weather, I pulled her into my arms and held her tight.

Her body was rigid and her skin was cold. Her heart was racing against my chest. I could feel every thump resonate through my body. Eventually her body relaxed into mine, melting and contouring to fit perfectly with my body.

"Don't leave me, Camila. Please. Just stay. I know I don't have the right to ask--"

I shushed her.

She didn't know it. No one but Dinah knew. The moment I knew Lauren was alive and was going to make it, I called it off. I told Roger that I was going to stay and to try to negotiate for me to stay in the group.

So when I said, "I'm not going anywhere Laur. Believe me, I'm staying." I meant every word.

Death could bring you closer or push you further apart. Many times I had seen it rip the strongest person apart until there was nothing left and I had also seen it take the weakest person and only make them stronger.

Leaving could break Lauren. Just utterly destroy her. She was susceptible to falling down deep, dark holes with no way out. So to prevent it, I was going to be whatever she want. If she needed a shoulder to cry on, I was that shoulder. If she needed a friend to hang out with her, I would be that friend. If she needed a cuddle buddy at night, I would be that cuddle buddy.

"You promise you won't leave?"

"What do I have to do to show you that I'm staying?" I kissed the top of her head softly, brushing the hairs that had fallen into her face out of the way. Her eyes were closed and her lips were in a pout.

"I don't know."

"I'm here, Lolo. I'm here. Promise." I rubbed her cheek. "Go to sleep and when you wake up, we'll do something fun."

"Okay," she mumbled. I ran my fingers through her head as her breathing slowly steadied and the rapid best of heart finally matched the ticking of a clock.

"Every thing will be okay, Lauren. I promise."

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"So taking me out to a karaoke bar where I can drink and embarrass myself in front of people is your way of helping me cheer up?" Lauren asked me as she held the door open so I could walk through.

"You don't have to sing. Plus it's a live band who plays for you. Rich recommended it. Said it was the best in the area."

Lauren came up behind me, her body heat merging with me she was so close.

"Rich?"

"Machine Gun Kelly."

"Oh."

I turned around and brushed her cheek tenderly.

"Don't be jealous, Lo. I don't like him that way."

"I'm not jealous." She declared. Her eyes held that familiar fire, the one she had when Austin, Michael, Shawn and Jess were in the picture.

"Just like you're not a puppy." I countered.

"I'm not a puppy either." Rolling her eyes, she moved forward, going around me and further into the building. So adorable.

There were lots of people here tonight. I knew this was risky to do, to come to a public place and have the plan that I had prepared.

Lauren needed solace? Well I was going to give it to her. I was going to go up and perform the same song she sang for me when she told me she loved me the first time.

"Come on, Camz." She waved over to me excitedly. I followed her direction and saw that she had found us a somewhat private table.

"How did you find this table?" I slid into the booth, finding it was pretty comfortable to sit on. She slid in after me, leaving little space between us. If I turned, I would be within kissing distance.

"One of the waitresses recognized me and when I said I was with you, she led me over here. I guess being part of a popular girl group has it's perks."

"Oh, well that was nice."

"Thanks, Camz."

"For what?"

"For bringing me here. It was thoughtful."

"It's nothing. Just think of it as a d--" Date. I almost said date. Oh man. "Hang out. Friend hang out all the time. You know?" I shrugged my shoulders before turning away and shaking my head at my almost mistake.

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"I may have possibly signed up to sing a song." I brought up an hour into watching several people go up to sing anything from Celine Dion to Beastie Boys.

"Just you, right?" Lauren asked, turning to look at me.

"Relax. You don't have to go up." I let her know before standing up.

"Everyone! Give it up for Camila!" As the MC said my name, I grabbed the mic one of the stage hands had prepared for me.

There were quite a few whoops and cheers from the crowd as they recognized me.

"I want to dedicate this song to someone special. They know who they are."

The band started up the song as I swayed to the beat, listening to the guitarist and the sweet melody.

Tell her a story
Tell her the honest truth
You treat her better
Make sure to see it through

Don't be just everything she wants
Be everything she needs
When she says she loves you
Tell her you love her too