Antidote

Chapter 4.

His finger brushing against my cheek causes me to open my eyes to look at him for the first time since this conversation was brought up. His face is impassive as per usual, but his eyes, those damned eyes. As they search my face, staring down at my features, they are shouting and screaming his love and affinity for me. His mouth is sealed but his eyes are yelling. He wants to say so much but he can't say them because I won't allow him to.

"We should sleep." I murmur, putting his hand that's fondling my cheek to a halt. It's nearly four in the morning and I have breakfast with Reign's family at the hotel at nine.

"I'll see you in the morning." His voice is soft and despondent and I hate myself for doing this to him.

He shifts in the bed, "Are you leaving?"

"I'm going to my study to work."

"Can I ask something of you?"

"Anything."

"Can you hold me?"

"Of course." I hear him sigh before he pulls my body into him, my cheek pressed against his chest. My finger traces circles in his chest hair and I solemnly remember what it was like to be in these arms, in his embrace, breathing in his intoxicating scent.

"I do love you Hayden." I feel the need to tell him this. I know he wants me back but I'm afraid of starting a relationship with him and his daughter.

"Sleep beautiful."

Instead of fighting my sleep any longer I close my eyes loving where I am now. And I dream of him, of us, together, in his big house. As much as it appealed to me, I knew it was just a dream. There was no way it could ever be our reality now.

I turn in the bed expecting to feel the warmness of Hayden's body but instead I was met with the cold sheets. My eyes burn as I force them open and sit up in the large bed covering my naked body with the sheets. Did he leave after I fell asleep?

I rise from the bed finding Hayden's shirt that I wore earlier before he ripped it off of me again and I exit the room in search of him. That was when I heard hushed whispering, not because they're far away, but  because they're purposefully trying to keep quiet. I stand by the steps straining my ears to listen in. I can see Hayden's backside and I can hear the voice of a female and it isn't Mrs. Sutter.

"Hayden I have work, no one else can take her."

"You can't just drop her off Una, I have company."

"Honestly I can care less, take your daughter back, I have to work." A door opens and closes in the same second and try to hurry back to Hayden's room so he doesn't know I was snooping. His heavy feet walk up the steps and I see him carrying a small frame in his arms as he walks past the bedroom and I presume to his daughters room.

I think I should take this time to leave. If his daughter is here then I can't be here. I don't want her to meet me like this. I change from Hayden's shirt back to my bridesmaids dress from yesterday. I hope no one at the hotel will be awake at this ungodly hour, I don't need anyone to see me doing the walk of shame.

My clutch is discarded on the floor as well, holding extra makeup and my cell phone. Reaching for my phone I check the time, it's nearly seven and breakfast isn't until nine, no one should be out of their rooms.

"You're leaving?" Hayden's voice startles me and I jump nearly dropping my phone and clutch.

"I think I should go." The words are out when I could recover from the quick scare.

"Is it because of Naomi?" Before I could ask how he knew I knew she was here he speaks, "I heard you trying to scurry back in here after Una left."

"No, that's not it," I begin trying to find a reasoning good enough for me to leave the only man I had ever loved. "I have to meet with Reign and Channing for breakfast at nine. I need to shower and freshen up."

"What are you doing after breakfast?"

"I don't have anything planned."

"I would like to see you again Alice."

"Hayden—"

"I know what you're going to say—that this is just a one night stand—but you are not a one night stand to me Alice. I am in fucking love with you. When I see my future, I see you. An old, sexy, pruned woman beside me the way she had been since we met. I can't see myself with anyone besides you and I don't want to. I just want you Alice, only you."

As he spoke I managed to come up with a response about why he and I can't start a relationship again. I made a list of pros and cons where the cons outweighed the pros by a long shot. There is just too much damage for me. I ran from it, why would I willingly run back to it?

My body was thrust against his against my own wishes, my mouth slamming to his, hands fisting his fairly long dark curls. I shouldn't be doing this. But even as I say this to myself, I melt into his body as his large hands envelope me into him even more. He is just as shocked by my sudden affection as I am.

"I can't Hayden." I whisper against his mouth, still kissing him even though my words say otherwise.

"Why not?" His hand grips my ass, squeezing my flesh through the silk lilac dress.

"I don't want to get hurt again." My fears exposed in the heat of the moment.

Those are the words I never wanted him to hear from me. I didn't want him to know how terrified I am to start a relationship again because I don't know who he is. Three whole years have passed and he says he's changed but I only know him for who he showed me he was. Our past was treacherous yet beautiful, dangerous yet thrilling, deleterious yet erotic. It was everything and more, it was love, and sex, and drama, and fun, and so very wounding.

"Please Hayden, let me go now."

Begrudgingly his hands were off of me, his lips no longer connected with mine, he steps aside, "Wade will give you a ride back to your hotel."

"Thank you." I whisper. I was on my way out of his bedroom when I turned back to look at him. "This was the best night I have had in three years Hayden. It was the greatest disport I had the ability to partake in."

"Goodbye Alice." There was a certain sadness to his voice that left me feeling empty as I exited the room. I feel a sense of melancholy as I take the steps down to the hall and find my shoes. I don't exactly know where this sadness or emptiness is coming from, but I think I have an idea. Three years ago, I left. I left and he didn't say anything else to me, the same way he's doing now. And just like then, I want him to do something, say something that's enough to make me stay. I want to stay despite everything in me telling me to leave. I want to stay despite him having a daughter. I want to stay despite the idea of starting over terrifies me. I want to stay.

But just like before, even when I look back, he doesn't come.