are you in love with a notion //phan

(6) 22nd February 2017

half this chapter is like doctor talk have fun and sorry abt slow updates I'm really busy atm and I get scared when I publish on here idk
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Dan was crying again.

His family would always tell him that 'tears made him weak' so he tried to never show much emotion at home, but for the past seven years he'd been able to bawl as much as he wished without judgement.

He was sat on the floor with his legs crossed, looking at the stained white rug that had been lying there since the night of Phil's birthday. Dan just didn't have the motivation to throw it out - he'd had a rough month. January and February were notoriously crappy months as it was; it was always cold and all the rain turned any snowfall into mud-brown slush, everyone was broke from the mass festivities of the months before and people stayed indoors so the streets looked lonely; but those two months were two of the several months he associated with Phil, which was yet another reason to hate them.

He needed a hug. Phil always gave the best hugs. He was always warm and smelt like cinnamon or pine needles (fuck him and his winter-scented body washes), it was comforting. Dan always wondered whether he cuddled with Annie the same way. Probably. Why wouldn't he? Phil probably loved her like he used to love him. He had never even seen her but he was certain that he would not like her even a little bit. If she meant something to Phil she'd probably be a lovely person, but it wasn't as if something as insignificant as her actually being nice would get in the way of his strong dislike for the woman.

Dan knew he had to get up. For some reason, he hadn't cancelled that doctors appointment and he was due to be at the clinic with an hour. It was very much safe to say that he was freaking out. Reluctantly, he pulled himself off the floor and into the bathroom. Dan stared blankly at his reflection in the mirror. You look horrible. There were dark rings under his eyes and small bits of stubble had appeared on his face because he hadn't shaved in over a week. Some guys could pull that sort of rugged look off, unfortunately, Dan was not one of those guys.

Dan left the mirror before he could criticise himself any further. He threw on the first set of slightly mismatched clothes he could find (something that was becoming a reoccurrence in his life) and walked out the door. Hoping a fan wouldn't see him, he walked down to the tube station and stepped off a few stops later. The place he needed to be was a five-minute walk away, it gave him time to just breathe and collect (and ultimately dismiss) his thoughts.

Waiting rooms were notoriously horrible places. Waiting for anything got Dan worked up quickly as it was, being surrounded by people who too were waiting didn't make it an ideal place for him to be. Stepping through the doors, he saw it was rather empty due to the day of the week and time, with only an old man, another slightly younger man and some woman holding a small child on the seats.

A small monitor was flashing names and room numbers in red dots in front of them. Dan saw the man get out of his chair and walk towards the room he needed to be in.

He felt people staring at him, they know why you're here, they'll tell people; they could take a photo of you, fans wouldn't leave you alone. At this point, Dan had to tell the completely irrational part of his brain that for once in its sorry life to just be quiet and to realise the two other adults in the waiting room probably had more important things to worry about than wondering about why he was there.

He saw 'Howell, Daniel: Room 4' appear on the monitor next to the door of the waiting room. Dan got up from the chair, ignoring the old man and the woman with a child staring at him as he left, and made his way through to the corridor to the fourth room.

The doctor's office was painted a drab shade of off-white, with nothing aside from a single photo on the wall and a depressingly under-nourished potted plant to accessorise.