are you in love with a notion //phan

(4) 9th February 2017

Dan had become an abundance of nerves, anxiety and paranoia. Every nerve in his body was practically tingling with the negative sensation. With slightly shaken hands he picked up the glass and pressed against his lips, tilting it slightly to force the liquid down his throat. Dan was too anxious to go out with nothing to calm him - he'd be a nervous wreck if not.

He wasn't going to get drunk, Dan had come to the realisation that acting the in same way he did on the phone, from what he remembered, as he did in real life would not bode well with Phil (or Louise, or Pj, for that matter). By doing that all three of them would just think worse of him. So he just kept the drink count at one, no damage was done that way.

The knocking on the door came five minutes earlier than expected - Louise had never been late for anything and she took pride in being the organised friend and motherly figure.

"You're early," Dan remarked.

"You're drinking,"

"Hardly," he argued.

Dan wouldn't call one drink to calm his nerves 'drinking' to the standard Louise was making it out to be. It wasn't even a matter of drinking into the 'euphoric' stage of drunkenness where he'd constantly laugh or say whatever he wanted without remorse. No, it was nothing more than a method to keep anxieties at bay.

"I can smell alcohol on your breath."

"Overslept, didn't have time to brush my teeth - I'm disgusting, judge me all you like," he defended himself. He also lied, but that was beside the point.

"Dan, you're pissed."

"Awfully strong word to use. And pissed as in angry or drunk?" he asked innocently. "Gotta love homonyms."

Louise sighed. "I'm worried about you. You're my best friend, I love you and I don't want to see you hurting yourself like this."

"Don't be melodramatic, I'm not going to die - I've had one drink, I'm not a lightweight. I had a hangover from the night before, I had to get rid of it somehow," Dan spoke quickly.

"Drink water, eat something, heavens forbid go outside - anything but drink it off, it'll make you want more of it. I'm just looking out for you here, Dan."

"Thank you for your concern but I'm quite alright as I am."

Dan wasn't sure whether he really was even slightly 'alright', his mind kept replaying one specific part of the conversation he had with Phil.

Y o u   u s e   a l c o h o l   a s   a   c r u t c h.

Y o u ' r e   s c a r e d.

With each passing day, Dan thought about what he said more and more until it had gotten to the point he couldn't think of much else. But Phil didn't know him. They hadn't spoken 'properly' in almost half a decade - he was practically a stranger to Dan. Which surely meant that nothing he said would be all that factual, would it?

"Let's go then," Louise sounded unimpressed.

"Why do you care so much?" Dan picked up on her tone.

"Why do you not?"

Dan left the conversation there, knowing that in a debate with Louise, he would never win. Instead, he got the taxi down to the tube station and getting onto the central line just before the doors slammed shut.