are you in love with a notion //phan

(7) 19th March 2017

As Dan had come to learn within the past few weeks, counselling was zero fun. It wasn't like he expected it to be fun; if he was totally honest he'd say he'd always imagined the experience as something similar to what he saw in films which clearly hadn't been directed by anyone who'd attended a counselling session in their lives. It consisted of mostly questions that were borderline (but necessarily) invasive and constant progress reports. Dan quickly realised that he was never really scolded for not completing some goal he was set, it was very much a 'constructive criticism' sort of approach which, in ways, he was thankful for.

He'd relapsed. Twice. But that was okay. It wasn't as if he'd walk to a clinic multiple times a week and suddenly all his problems would just melt away and it'd be like they never existed. Dan knew it would take years to stop entirely, so to break in the beginning was expected, normal almost.

Run-ins with fans was another thing that was expected. It was a minor inconvenience but he didn't have the heart to turn people down, he wasn't swarmed with them so it was just about manageable - the worst consequences, in the beginning, had been him showing up a few minutes late for a session, which wasn't that big a deal.

But something he didn't quite expect was that fans were beginning to take photos of him walking in and out of the hospital where his clinic was situated. Dan wanted to pretend all his fans were nice and knew the dictionary definition of the word 'stalking' and that it was, in fact, an illegal act, but unfortunately, some crossed boundaries.

The first photo people took no notice of, he was just walking into a building - nothing overly exciting. The second was posted on Tumblr sparked a little interest with a couple of people who were noting he was at the same hospital in the same week. The third showed him again the following week, at the same time as the first (according to a girl's blog where she'd admitted to hanging about the area at the specific times to try and see him), then a fourth on the same day of the week as the second photo was taken. The internet had managed to get his schedule for appointments, which heavily influenced him to change the days of his sessions. It was annoying, but he knew it wouldn't stop even if he'd asked people to stop the sharing photos of him - they probably thought it harmless because everyone did it. The only other alternative was to go inpatient, which he was told wouldn't be a necessity and he refused to do it considering it wasn't.

There were theories left, right and centre regarding Dan's business in the hospital twice weekly - luckily none of the ones he'd seen had come close to the real reason, most people had just decided amongst themselves that he was seeing an ill relative with strict visiting hours. And they could think that all they liked for all he cared, as long as people cut down on the photography and didn't find out the real reason he couldn't care less about the conspiracies courtesy of his fanbase.

A few friends had seen the photos too (using the word 'friend' lightly as Dan hadn't really spoken to anybody properly in well over six months) and asked why he was there if it wasn't too invasive a question. He'd reply with a generic 'ill relative, don't worry I'm fine' and despite the fact that if the person in question was really his friend, they'd know that he had zero relatives living anywhere near the area, they all responded in the same way: expressing their condolences and leaving it at that. Which, again, was absolutely fine for all he cared. Anything was fine if it meant nobody knew the real reason.

Phil YouNow's were on every Wednesday and Dan still watched them from time to time. It wasn't such a weird thing, sometimes he just missed hearing about Phil's life like he used to and that was the next best thing. He was an interesting person, bad things happened to him and Dan liked to laugh at his misfortunes - it was as simple as that. It wasn't as if he looked forward to them.

"I'm glad you and Dan are speaking terms again," Phil read a message from the chat.

Dan looked up at his laptop screen when he heard his name. He'd seen it often enough within the chat, but like Dan when asked about Phil, he ignored it and moved onto a more light-hearted topic.

"We always have been, just slightly less public about it. People like us only tend to share certain parts of our lives online - we wanted to build up separate brands so we don't collaborate as much anymore and he doesn't live with me because Annie moved in a few years back. Dan and I are still in contact and I very much doubt that'll change," Phil happily lied to thousands of fans.

They probably all knew that was a lie, however. Until recently they hadn't even been mutuals online (and Dan had mutuals from high school whom he couldn't care less about, it was another level of 'I don't want to speak to you') and no one had seen them at events or parties (aside Phil's birthday, of course) interacting. It would have been as if they'd never met if the emotional wounds that had been left behind weren't there; Dan knew it, Phil knew it, millions of fans knew it. They were worse than strangers, if they were at least it meant Dan would never have to constantly think about all the 'what if' questions and the 'has been' memories that he knew he'd never get anything close to now.

To Phil: so you'd say our brief interactions over the phone courtesy of me around our previous relationship milestones counts as us being 'in contact'?? :/

Dan watched as Phil read the notification from him and he swore he saw him smile slightly, losing track of what he was rambling on about.

"I know being on my phone when I'm with you guys is terrible social etiquette but this is important," Phil spoke into his computer webcam.

From Phil: So you're watching my live shows now?

He saw him smile against whilst typing.

To Phil: my inner fanboy, couldn't help myself

He smiled a little wider that time.

'Speaking of Dan, why's he been going in and out of a hospital so often?' Dan noticed the comment on the chat. Apparently as did other people as they began to agree, others in a state of confusion not knowing about this and then a few decent people telling the rest of them that it wasn't their business.

"I'm actually going to address that now since it's sparked so much conversation down in the comments," Phil said, trying not to sound annoyed. Dan felt his stomach drop, it wasn't that he didn't trust Phil, it was just that he knew that a minority of his fans had the tendency to blow things out of proportion so he could only think about what Phil could say in order for that not to happen (which wasn't a lot after he'd thought about it).
"You guys care about Dan and if you hear he's been in and out of a hospital for the past month or so, you're going to be concerned and want to know what's up. But there's a difference between caring about someone and intruding on their personal life. If Dan wants to share the reason why he's been there, he will do so when he's ready; if not, don't mention it, don't tweet, don't make a Tumblr discourse post or anything else because it's not what he wants. You've got to remember that Dan is still just a person just like all of you all are. If strangers started spreading information about your private life to other strangers to speculate about, think about how you'd feel. Dan lets you guys see everything he wants you to see and is comfortable with you seeing, please remember that and don't push him to his limits."

An odd silence came over both Phil and the chat for a few moments. "Now, I don't like being all serious in my live shows, or talking about these sorts of things in general because I'm just not that type of person, but it's something I felt I needed to say. And now that's out of the way, let's shout out our five top fans."

Dan tuned out for that part. It'd sure be more helpful if Phil was a dick of an ex, but he just wasn't - it was almost frustrating. He suddenly felt awfully compelled to say something to him.

"I think it's time for some premium messages because I haven't checked them yet." he scoured through a few of them before speaking to rule out anything inappropriate (and there was almost always something) "Kayleigh Anne says 'it's my birthday', well happy birthday to you, bloodontheDANfloor says 'shoutout for the we stan dodie group chat', firstly that's the worst user I've ever seen and secondly consider your group chat shouted out, finally our good friend Dan is here and he says 'thanks, Philly', well you're very welcome, Danny."

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this was v bad but it's been too long I'm sorry I'm in a really big year at school rn and I don't have a lot of spare time (any year 11s in England reading share my struggle)