are you in love with a notion //phan

prologue

Dan had stopped trying to count the number of nights he'd slept alone for, after night five-hundred and sixty-two it just became tiresome and it made the physical ache in his chest more strenuous as the number rose. He fucked up. He knew it five years ago, he definitely knew it now - but back then what he didn't know was just how much it'd hurt him.

Odd how two people could go from strangers to friends to lovers and then in seemingly in the blink of an eye find themselves right where they started. But they weren't just strangers - they were too close to be, one knew almost everything about the other. Though they weren't quite acquaintances either - instead it was something complicated and different. But, then again, they'd always been complicated and different. There was something there, Dan just didn't know what anymore. The same warm fondness and admiration were present, but endearing smiles had now just become awkward accidental eye contact - a painful reminder of all that had happened.

The fact they'd see one another at almost every YouTube function was equally painful a reminder. Not that they'd try to make small talk or salvage any remaining part of their friendship. Dan would just awkwardly try to side-step his way out of being in a three-metre radius of him, whereas Phil would just look down at the floor or mess with his fringe until Dan left. It had been five years and Dan was still too afraid to speak to him face to face.

And the plans they had. They wanted to start a gaming channel, maybe write a book together (hell, Dan still had the first drafts of the hypothetical book's contents in a filing cabinet somewhere). Of course, these plans never became anything more than plans and 'what if's'.

Dan pondered 'what if' more often than he should. Escapism had become a pretty regular practice in his life, though sometimes his imagination just made things worse.

He tended to think of some alternate universe in which everything was the way it was before - somewhat similar to 2010 with the exception of the tragic haircuts and a branding based on Delia Smith. Some may well judge and call it strange, but so be it, to Dan it was comforting - that world had order, everything made sense and he was happy to be in it.

Nonetheless, he knew that more often than not life had absolutely no order and made very little sense. And it was silly, childish even, to think that something as fickle as love could last forever. Time takes its toll on everything, people could change as frequently as the seasons and leaves on trees, with relationships not as evergreen as once thought.

He needed to move on, he really did - after all, Phil had. Even his fanbase was slowly moving on, with the comments about himself and Phil less frequent on Dan's videos and his Twitter.

Of course, the annoying fanfictions and explicit art were still being created. Just because the relationship itself had died out years ago, it didn't mean that the ship died along with it (much to Dan's dismay). Phil had never cared, but it bothered Dan a lot.

He hadn't tried to find anyone in the five years they'd been broken up, still not quite over Phil. That meant that, naturally, Phil had received a couple of texts and voicemails from Dan in some drunken spurs of the moment (he was somewhat amazed he hadn't been blocked yet). Shamefully deleting the messages the following morning, shaking his head at his stupidity, didn't erase his feelings - and he knew that. Though he also knew that it didn't help any feelings of Phil's either (if he even had any towards Dan anymore).

That was Dan's downfall: he only cared about himself, he was incredibly selfish. In theory, that wasn't such a bad thing - it had gotten him financial stability, a lavish home in the centre of London and millions of fans globally. But it had caused far more bad than good, what was the point in a large house if he was living in it by himself? All the walls echoed and three of the seats at his dining table was always vacant.

It hurt him to see Phil laughing with some girl with the same brown curls as Dan on a channel that he didn't have the heart to unsubscribe from, though it would hurt Dan's pride a whole lot more to tell anyone that he missed him.

Hence yet another sleepless night full of thinking, has-beens, and 'what if?'s.

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is this okay idk man