It's You

IX

I sense her hesitation. I don't know what to do, but I desperately want her to stay right where she is, I don't want her to go back and get into bed with my brother. I spent the whole evening watching the two and I don't want to witness that again; I want her to look at me the way she looks at Alan, I want her to hold my hand and caress my face after she kisses me, I just want one simple kiss from her. I want her.

The first thing on my mind to say to her is... "Don't run away, Stevie. Please."

"I really don't think I should stay." She speaks up at last, but I can see she's tense. 

"What are you so afraid of? I've never hurt you, have I?"

Shaking her head slowly, she replies. "No. But I have hurt you."

A heavy sigh passes through my lips and I sit down or more like I slump down on the chair I had previously occupied. That's true, what she said. For those few very short weeks I thought I had found the one, I fell for her and I fell fast. I didn't know what happened, I had no idea what went wrong, but she told me that we should stop seeing each other, that she doesn't actually have any feelings for me, I was infatuated, she told me, I kept calling her, I tried to see her numerous times at her apartment, but... Nothing. That was the end of our so called relationship.

"I think that's all the more reason for us to talk."

"What about Kristen and Alan?"

"What about them? What, can't two people have a conversation?" I raise my eyebrow and Stevie's looking down at her feet, hugging her journal to her chest. "You owe me that, Stevie. Even if it's been six years or whatever, I still want my answers."

Very reluctantly she puts one foot in front of the the other and makes her way to me, sitting down opposite me. She doesn't let go of her journal as if I'd try to take it. I know how sacred her personal thoughts and feelings are to her.

"Why did you leave me, Stevie? That's the only thing I want to know." I say, my voice sounding defeated. 

"It's not that simple to explain, Lindsey." Shaking her head, she exhales heavily. 

"Well, try. I need some closure if you're going to be around constantly, because you're dating my brother out of all men in the world." I'm still calm, I don't want to get mad. I haven't really talked to Stevie in so long, I don't want the first time to be an argument. "Okay then, answer me this. Which one was the lie; when you told me you loved me or when you told me it was just infatuation?"

Finally letting go of her journal, Stevie hugs herself around the middle, avoiding my eyes. "It wasn't just infatuation." Her voice is quiet, but I heard it and my heart skips a beat. She loved me. Possibly... still does?

"Then why, Stevie?" I'm fighting the urge to get close to her and pull her into my arms, because I can tell she's cold. "What went so horribly wrong that you had to run away like that?"

"I- I... "

"Well?" I can't help it, I'm starting to lose my patience.

"I don't think I can tell you, Linds."

Linds. I haven't heard it from her for too long. I want to smile and call her my angel, but I fight against it. Not before she tells me the truth. Even though I have a pretty good guess, I want her to say it. 

"Why not? You think I'm going to get angry? Yell at you?" Stevie nods her head and I sigh. "Stevie, I... I think I know the answer already to be honest." She tilts her chin up and her eyes go wide. However, she still doesn't say anything I want to hear, her lips sealed. "I promise, I won't get mad, but I want to hear it from you. And I want to know why?" I'm repeating myself, but...

Tears fill her eyes and her lip trembles. I clench my fists and grit my teeth. I can't comfort her, I can't!

"I got pregnant." Stevie tells me at last, her voice only a whisper. 

"Aster and Kai, they're mine?" Again, she just nods and I stand up to my feet, slowly walking around for a few minutes, heavy silence upon us.

"I was scared, Lindsey."

"Of what?" I frown, raising my voice, but I swore not to shout, so I do my best to control myself. "What could you have possibly been scared of?"

"Every time we talked about our future together, you told me of all the ways you'd propose to me, I was basically planning our wedding already and you were thinking of where you'd take me for our honeymoon. You joked about moving to suburbs, living in a house with a white picket fence and buying a dog. Whenever we talked about our future, you mentioned just about everything but kids. I even asked you once. I asked how many children we'd have and you told me we're too young to have them."

"That's why you left me? That's why I found out I'm a father just now? Because I said we were too young to start a family? We were just dating, we were being silly about all sorts of stuff!" I'm in disbelief, but I'm still trying to keep my voice down. "Stevie, it was something stupid I said! I wasn't being serious!"

"How was I supposed to know?" She wipes under her eyes with the back of her hand. "I sure believed it when you said it. Then imagine me shortly after finding out I'm pregnant!" 

"Was that really the reason? Or maybe you were worried I wasn't the one who got you pregnant?" I fold my arms and give her a look, waiting for something and what I get is her narrowed eyes, chest raising and falling a lot faster now. Shit. Shouldn't have said that.

"This is why I didn't want to stay and talk to you. I knew you'd accuse me of that." She gets up and marches towards the door to go inside, but I grab her wrist and pull her back, her front slamming against me. We're staring at each other, both breathing heavily. The only thing I can think of doing is letting go of her wrist and wrapping my arm around her waist, but Stevie pushes at my chest, taking a step back. "You question me if you're the father of my children and the next thing you do is try to kiss me?" 

"I'm sorry, for both of those. I'm sorry." I repeat and hang my head low. "This is... it's a lot to take in, Stevie. I have two children, who are five years old, but I couldn't be a part of their lives, because of something stupid I said and you believed me. Of course I wanted a family with you, Stevie. It would have come as a shock I'm sure if you had told me back then, but I would have never thought of running. I would have stayed and helped you, and I would have been happy about it. I would have been the happiest man on earth."

She tears up again and cocks her head back. "How was I supposed to know, Lindsey? I just thought leaving would be easier than getting rejected. If it had happened, you wouldn't have pushed just me away, you would have pushed your children away too. And I just..." She shrugs. "I couldn't take that risk."

Breathing out heavily, I run a hand through my hair. "What happens now?"

"I don't know." She replies tearfully. "I knew that as soon as you found out, it would be the end of my and Alan's relationship. You two are brothers and I'm with him, he's a father to Aster and Kai five days away, until you show up and take them for the weekend?" Shaking her head, Stevie says. "It just wouldn't work. Of course, that is if you want to be in their lives."

"There's no question about it." I tell her firmly. We're both silent for some time, until I speak up and suggest the only thing I can think of right now. "Why don't we don't do anything about it right this second? Let's suffer through this weekend and then we'll think about it and decide what's best? Maybe... maybe we can make this work and you can still be with Alan."

I'm almost sure she winces at what I just said and she opens her mouth to tell me something, but decides against it and gives a nod of her head. "Okay."

"Goodnight, Stevie." I sigh and step away from her, but she's the one to stop me this time, as her slender fingers wrap around my upper arm. Our eyes meet again, our lips so close...

"I'm sorry."

I give her a weak smile and a nod. "I know."