It's You

IV

"Don't cry, Mommy."  I hear a small voice behind me and I quickly wipe away under my eyes.

"I'm not crying, sweetheart." I turn around to face my beautiful five year old daughter and attempt to smile, hoisting her up on my lap. 

"You always say that." Aster lays her head on my chest, hugging her favorite teddy bear.

"Mommy's a little sad, but I'm okay." Pressing a kiss to her curly dark hair I try to reassure her. "Why are you out of bed, huh? I remember putting you and your brother down to sleep a while ago."

"I got thirsty." She shrugs her little shoulders. 

I show Aster to wrap her legs around me and I stand up with her. "What would you like? A glass of milk maybe?"

"Yes, please." She nods and I sit her down on the counter, then move over to the fridge to take out the cartoon, then warm it up.

"You're going back straight to bed after you finish your milk, right?" Raising an eyebrow, I hand Aster the glass and she nods.

"Will you read me another story?"

"No, honey. It's way past your bedtime as it is. Besides, we wouldn't want to wake Kai up, would we." She pouts, but I shake my head. "No, baby. Not tonight."

"Okay..." Aster says and continues giving me puppy eyes.

Sighing, I laugh lightly. "You've got me wrapped around your little finger, princess." I'm awarded a great big smile, so when Aster is finished with her milk, I carry her to my kids' room and lay her down, once again, before getting in next to her for another story.

Aster was tired, so I leave the room shortly, closing the door behind me, then head to my own bedroom and get ready for bed. 

Lindsey. Again, Lindsey is on my mind. I let him take that goddamn picture when he swore to me nobody would ever see it. Yeah, right. So much for keeping his promise. I've never been very confident with my appearance and now my body is for everyone to see. I'm not sure if Alan is that dense and he really genuinely didn't understand it was me or he ignored it. But he couldn't have, he would have had questions. Many of them. It's not like you can see my face, but Alan has seen me naked certainly more than once and he knows how I look, what my body is like. Or maybe he doesn't really take the time to look at me, sort of a wham, bam, thank you ma'am! thing...

 Also, who's Kristen? Is she Lindsey's girlfriend or wife? I guess, I made the right decision breaking up with him before I got into deeper... I thought his feelings for me matched mine for him, but apparently not, because I love him to this day and he's got someone else. Okay, I know how that sounds, I'm not single either, but... I've been a Mom to twins for five years now, I had no help, besides my own mother spending the first month of my children's life with me. I'm tired. Just tired. And rather lonely when Aster and Kai are put to bed... My friends kept telling me I should move on from Lindsey, I should find myself a man, who could be a father to my kids as well. And I've tried, I really have, but I compared every man to Lindsey and every single one of them paled in comparison. Alan is his brother, that explains why we've been a couple for several months now, they're bound to have similarities. 

My twins could have had a father, but... I feel my eyes brim with tears as I write this down in my journal. No, I can't. I can't do this tonight and I'm sick of crying. I close my journal and put it aside. I turn off the bedside lamp and close my eyes in hopes to get some sleep.

The next morning I wake up and I can't say I feel rested. With a heavy sigh, I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and reach for my robe. My little monsters will be up soon too, so I go and start breakfast for them. 

No later than half an hour, I hear two pairs of little feet approaching and I smile to myself. "Good morning!"

"Morning, Mommy." They both reply sleepily and sit down at the table. 

I put a bowl of oatmeal in front of Aster and Kai. Leaning against the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee in my hands, I look at the two of them and all I can see is their father. Two small children and they already have so much of their father's behavior in them. Neither of them has ever asked about their Dad and I'm glad, I don't know what I would tell them. I can't just tell them the truth, they wouldn't understand and I don't want to burden their young minds.

The doorbell rings and I go to let Alan in, I know it's him. He offered to spend the Saturday with the twins, while I have some time on my own; hairdresser's being the first thing on my list. 

"Morning, beautiful." Alan smiles and kisses me.

"Good morning." I step aside and he enters our apartment. 

In seconds, Aster and Kai come running and they both jump into Alan's arms, he looks more than happy to see them too. I stand back and watch them. He's so good with my kids and they adore him in return, but... It would be plainly cruel to keep the truth from everyone involved. If I speak, Alan's heart will break. If I don't... well, that heart I've already broken.