RANDOMNESS 1.0

Skip If Uncomfortable

Um... So, my mom was going through forms and things for all of us kids and there was a section for suicidal kids and... I never really realized how much I pertained to it all.

"...such as pinching or scratching..." This was an excerpt from one of the questions about

Sorry, I had to take a break from writing. If Mom comes back and sees I've been crying she'll start questioning and more counseling is the last thing I need, especially with school starting. I can't do that. Anyway, to continue:

The questions about self-harm. Only a few years ago (after the devorce...) I had serious pain in my calves and tendon. I still do, but I'm more used to it now. Anyway, I was taking a dance class with my cousin. This was because I didn't want to be separated from her. In the past, a teacher actually told me that I relied on her too, but in a much less appropriate way. It almost made me cry. So, I took the class to stay with my cousin but I couldn't actually dance. It required having all of my feet on the ground, not just the top, so I couldn't participate for the full hour. Luckily, Mrs. Johansen was one of the nicest teachers ever, and let me sit out for a good forty (sometimes the whole class) minutes with my cousin. On the days she was gone or in another class (which was often) I would deal with the pain by biting the back of my hand. I'd tear it up to take away from the pain in my legs. Eventually, my mom found out and told me to stop. When questioned why, she asked me if I knew what cutting was about. Of course I didn't, hell, I didn't know I was depressed either, but that didn't stop it from being true. Anyway, she told me it was done to relieve mental pain, and was kind of like what I was doing. To this day, I don't understand why people cut themselves and I will never approve of it. Anyways, that biting made my hands immune to pain (practically). So I started pinching my hands almost constantly as a distraction. I'd pinch so hard I'd have marks for literal days, and I'd never feel a thing. I hated it. There was no way to relieve the pain in my legs and that irritated me exponentially. And so began the scratching. I would scratch myself hard enough to draw blood, and I still do. So... Kinda scared me. And, of course, my mother marked "no" on all of those questions, because she doesn't know any of them apply to me. Which is good, I guess.

Also, you crazy people, I'll be updating today. BE PREPARED!!