The phoenix's hypothesis - Book 1 (MxM 18+)

Chapter 55: Old habits die hard

Anthony, Tue Jun 30th 2015

I feel like shit right now. And for once, the guilt I feel has nothing to do with what happened during my captivity a few days ago. Okay there is still a bit of that, but mostly, I feel disgusted with myself because I just downed a whole bottle of wine in less than an hour. My Master is going to be so pissed, and rightfully so. Why did I have to do this? I begin to retrace what has happened since yesterday in my head to try to find a valid reason.

Our return home yesterday afternoon was perfect and it was more than welcome after having to go through my whole captivity with Tanner. Contrary to Bad Guy, submitting to my Master felt so right! I realized it was a bit ridiculous to think that what I felt the last night with Bad Guy was pleasure. My rightful Master showed me the real meaning of this word! When he started to use my mouth, I felt huge waves of contentment that couldn't even compare to when Bad Guy forced himself on me.

Then he deep-throated me like he had never done before, and I loved every second of it. I took the physical discomfort as a rightful punishment for what I did with Bad Guy – I know my Master said I wasn't to be disciplined for it but it still felt good in my head – and it felt like I was getting rid of his filth each time I retched.

After, I didn't even have a moment of hesitation or discomfort when he tied me up, almost in exactly the same position Bad Guy had whipped me. I just trust him so completely that my body stayed relaxed, waiting to be used as he wanted. When he pounded into me, rubbing my prostate, letting me come twice, I understood clearly that what I felt with Bad Guy was just a shadow of contentment.

He had some kind of business meeting just after, so I enjoyed a long relaxing bath before dressing up and cooking dinner. I imagine that me getting abducted and the fact he spent the whole Monday in the hospital must not have helped with his work. He was doing crazy hours just before my kidnapping and I'm sure he must have a lot to catch up on.

I don't know if the meeting went well or bad, but it certainly left my Master in a weird state. I had to get him in his office when dinner was ready and call him a few times before he snapped out of his stupor. When he finally did, he said to me he needed to get his mind off things, which led to more cuddles and rough sex in our room after dinner.

So yesterday was more than okay. This morning was nice too. Zach kept me company and his usual crazy self made me think of everything except my nagging feeling of culpability. He accompanied me to my appointment with Aiden's mother and I think that's when shit started to hit the fan. Don't get me wrong, I still think my therapist is great, but talking about what happened to me in depth for an hour was a bit moving.

She didn't say I was crazy to hear a voice during my abduction, just said it was a way my mind found to protect myself. She reassured me when I asked if I had developed a different personality, telling me that  as long as I didn't wake up at some point not remembering what I was doing in the period of time before, it was very unlikely it was the case. She encouraged me to tell my Master about the whole voice thing – a subject I carefully haven't mentioned until now. Then we discussed various strategies to deal with my guilt which made me leave the appointment with a nagging feeling of self-disgust.

Of course Glenn was waiting for me in front of the building, I'm not sure my overprotective Master will let me out of the apartment alone ever again, and I don't blame him. To my uttermost surprise, it wasn't to drive me home though.

"You have a follow-up appointment, Mr. Dumont," he simply told me. I didn't want to think about what could require my presence at the hospital – probably new invasive examinations – so I just focused on the road numbly.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," the doctor said, making me tense. "We did a blood test on your abductor and the good news is that the test for HIV came back negative, so there is a good chance he really is and that you were not infected. The bad news is that another STD came up in his results... Syphilis."