In A Heartbeat

Ch. 28

I don't stay longer than a few hours. We buckled and unbuckled the car seat, go over scenarios and situations as I dodge the question 'where will we go'.

I trust Vanessa. I don't have any reason not to, she's kept Maddie safe all this time. But now it's my turn--and if they find Vanessa I don't want her to know where we'd be. She tells me she plans on moving herself, once her baby comes. She doesn't want to live her life looking over her shoulder either.

I understand her desire to start over. Without the ghosts of my father and the world of wondering if someone was going to knock on your door. She'd done enough for me, for Maddie, for my dad.

When I shut Maddie's car door, Vanessa finally brakes down  and lifts a hand to wave goodbye. I understand her grief. Maddie has been a part of her life for months, and a huge part of her vision with my father was Maddie.

"Thank you Vanessa. I can never repay you for all you've done. You're going to have a perfect baby who is so lucky." I hug her and get into the car. No looking back. I can't start thinking about how sad it's going to be to leave. I have to stay focused on the rest of the plan. Maddie and I have to meet Kyle. I feel a deep amount of Buster withdraw and am counting the hours until we could be together again.

Maddie is fed and her diaper is dry. If I'm lucky she will sleep the entire 4 hour ride. At six months old I hope her naps are more than two hours. I pull away wishing there is more I could say to Vanessa but none of this was my vision to begin with.  My fingers clench the wheel and I force myself to stop looking in the rear view mirror.

It's one thing to be driving myself around as a new driver. It's another to have a tiny living creature in the backseat. If I make a mistake or get pulled over I won't  be able to talk my way out of not having a license with a baby in the car.

I force myself to think of Kyle. Giving up his family and his future for me and Buster and the baby. I don't have a choice - this baby is mine and the last shred of my family. But that's exactly what he was walking away from. But this bizarre twist of fate is really happening. We're going to pull it off. After a lifetime of dreaming of myself healthy and sitting at a college desk I am on a completely different path and it was amazing. I had family, and now a baby and a boyfriend, I'm taking life by the horns.

Maddie woke up an hour from where we had to be. She didn't cry or squirm, she sat happily watching things pass by in the window. When we finally reach Kyle's uncles cabin I am elated.

Kyle's standing in the driveway and Buster is at his side. When I get out of the van Buster whines and runs in circles and sniffing me from head to toe taking inventory of where I'd been without him.

I get the baby out and Buster immediately went to work sniffing and licking her. He hadn't been around babies before but he seemed to understand that whatever the little thing is, it's something to be gentle around.

Kyle grabs a few random baby items and leads the way in. The cabin is beautiful. Small and hidden but completely updated and clean.  For a moment I feel trapped and panicked and start pelting questions at Kyle.

"How do you know he isn't coming here? How do you know it's safe?"

I can't  stop myself from carrying the baby from one side of the cabin to the other looking out the windows.

"I know because he's on vacation with his family. They'll be gone for a few weeks and we're only here a night. It's okay."

I hold Maddie. Without anyone around to give direction or explanation. Just her pudgy fingers wrapped around mine and a close watch on her expression.  Babies say a lot with their faces. It's easy to know when she was amused, and Buster seems almost smitten. His eyes are constantly on her and he mimics my steps making sure he stays close to the new exciting being.

When evening comes I put her in a playpen that Kyle set up with only a few colorful words of frustration. 

"I'm going to walk Buster before we settle. Are you okay watching the baby?"

He smirks at me.

"Of course I'm okay with a baby. I've been around babies before. And just for the record- I was a baby before. You don't get much better references than that!"

Something about his logic makes me laugh way too hard. He probably knows more about babies than I do. Buster tears through woods chasing scents and leaping. It's so quiet, branches and crackling echoed through the trees and I inhale the scent of the earth. The stars shine down and I feel myself closer to my parents out here than I have in weeks.

"I'm doing it guys. My sister is safe, I'm safe, and in case you haven't noticed I got a pretty good companion.  You'd love him mom. He's funny, and not someone who smothers."

I walk to the clearing and look at the sky.
I'm not sure what happens when you die, I don't pretend to have answers about heaven or afterlife. But I know it doesn't just all end.  There has to be more, and if there isn't, I don't want to know about it. I like thinking my parents are around me, and I liked thinking they still had an interest in what happened.

"Buster. Come on boy. Even though he used to be a baby, we can't leave him alone too long."

The brush swayed as he makes his way back looking proud that he patrolled the forest. Scratching his ears and telling him how great he is in the woods is mandatory. 

When we finally get back inside Kyle's sitting in a rocker with Maddie. Her little cheeks stretch with a smile as he rocks her and tells her random trivia facts.

"Speaking of monkeys, did you know there are over 264 different species?"

"The howler monkey is the loudest land animal and can be heard for 3 miles. I know! It's incredible right?"

Maddie laughs at his exciting delivery. I wonder if she has any idea what he's talking about.

I keep myself busy getting out things we need for the night just so I could watch and listen. He was a natural. Soothing voice, gentle hands and not a bit of awkward fear about babies. His jokes are lame and his trivia boring, but I wouldn't trade anything for this moment.

We feed Maddie and put her down in the playpen for the night. I make us a dinner of canned ravioli I found in the cupboard and clean up the dishes while Kyle did one more perimeter check with Buster.

Getting into bed was like winning the lottery. My muscles tingle with happiness at finally being able to relax. My mind keeps spinning with questions and I know I won't be able to sleep until I ask them.

"Did you remember to arrange the tow truck to pick up Val's van?"

He pulls me closer and kisses the top of my head.

"Everything is set. We're gonna be fine. Try to get some sleep."

I lay my head on Kyle's chest and feel his heart beating as I drift to sleep. In my dreams the howler monkeys are screaming and swinging from branch to branch throwing sharpened sticks like javelins down below. I run with Maddie in my arms trying to find cover.

When I finally wake up I'm panting, Maddie is squirming in her playpen and a shadow is blocking the moonlight from the window. I turn toward it and see a figure. Like the howler monkey, I screamed.

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Looks like it's not quite smooth sailing, now I'm nervous.