Toilet

Blowing Whistles & Missile's

All life ends at some point, but I couldn’t escape these feelings of unease, anxiety, and sorrow.  Tears of bliss streamed down my chubby cheeks as I grossly inhaled another delicious cheeseburger.  The pickles, tomatoes, and mustard juices squirted out of my mouth, dribbling down my triple chin.  Sweet mercy, why had I ever attempted to diet?

Food is too delicious to eat in moderation.  I was sitting cross-legged in a little booth, feasting before my inevitable death.  Sometimes I would forget to chew, choke a little, and continue demolishing every edible artery clogging delicacy in sight. 

“Perhaps you should slow down,” some idiot said. 

“Perhaps, you should mind your own business,” I said grotesquely as the food and spittle flew out of my mouth.  I was shoveling the food in and I couldn’t eat quickly enough. 

“Stuff your pie-hole and choke for all I care.  I was only trying to help,” the girl retorted. 

Forty-five minutes ago, Michael freed me from my captivity.  I impatiently waited for the Illuminati to locate me, torment me, execute me and leave their signature mark, trails of bodies.  Thinking about it just made me sick to my stomach.  Possibly it was the six cheeseburgers, four orders of super-sized fries, and deserts galore that was making me sick.  Despite all this, I wanted to think it was the blood and gore that made me squeamish.  I desperately wanted to believe this. 

I shut my eyes, relishing the food as if was my last meal on earth.  I imagined myself apologizing to this stranger, but the words were frozen on my lips. 

Before I could say anything worth a damn, my ass blew up.  The smell didn’t bother me so much because it was my own funk, but to others nearby, it was toxic.  My face reddened as people coughed, choked, and fled the restaurant.  Nicer people either cursed or laughed it away. 

“I’m sorry,” I excused weakly. 

“You must be Amber.”

Looking up at her, I noticed her fair skin, reddened eyes, and sharp white teeth.  Her smile sent shivers down my back.  She was one of them.

“Who are you? Are you going to drink my blood or kill me?” I demanded. 

 She sniffed at the air like a raging boar, grimacing and shaking her head.

“I would be lying if I said I am tempted to ‘drink your blood’ and I must concede that it is forbidden to kill a human,” she was playing with me.  Toying with me like a child plays with food. 

“What do you want from me?”

“I want to help you Amber,” she explained as her face lost all predatory expression.  Deep down I knew she wanted to obliterate me.

“How do you know my name?”

“Nicole contacted me telepathically.”

“AMBER!” Nicole cried in the background, in my mind.  My best friend was still trying to contact me, to save me, as if there was still hope. 

“I’m part of the resistance, against the Illuminati.  I believe things can change.  I believe that you can save us.”

“How? I’m just a human! And what about your laws?”

“Today is the start of a new era.  It’s your choice, Amber.  What do you choose? Will you help us?”

“I don’t know if I can,” I whined. 

“Your fate is sealed.  I know that you can save us.”

“How can you be so sure?” I stated rather loudly, trying to mask the rippling farts. 

“Every vampire has a special ability.  Nicole has telepathy.  I can see the future.  I see your future and you will change the world, Amber.”

Smiling, feeling hopeful, I asked, “Does this mean I don’t have to die?”

Her face fell, she looked constipated or sad, I wasn’t sure.  What she said next took me by surprise. 

“Every action causes a ripple effect in the space continuum.  No matter what you do, the end is always the same.  I can’t tell you how you die because it keeps changing, but, there’s no escaping it. I’m sorry Amber.”

I wanted to shout, but instead of crying, my stomach protested in agony, causing me to scream out in annoyance.  The seat felt warm as I cut one last fart.  Not only did it smell like death but I was certain I was going to have to wipe a little.