I love writing. I love writing fiction because it takes me out of my world and for a moment in time, relieves me of the constant roar of the engine in my head. I have depression with some anxiety episodes acting up once in a while. On a whole I don't like leaving my house and I feel most comfortable when I am alone. But I also feel the most lonely when I am alone. Hell of a predicament to be in right? I am a mother of three beautiful, spoiled children who deserve a better mother. I have done the room mother thing, the watching from the stands at a sports event thing and the Christmas choir thing. But what looks so easy to other parents is like a roof that fell on my back and until I finish the one hour at a holiday party or Easter egg hunting, it presses on me like the biggest problem in the world. I have found out that any little deviation from a plan or even if I knew about it for two weeks and was able to plan for it, was like a millions pounds on my head. Trying to walk around with it is a full time job, one that I don't do well at at times.
I want to be able to do it all but it has been proven, on many occassions that I can't. My train of thought is shot. I go from one idea to the next in a blank of an eye. Just like my jobs around the house. I start one project like washing the dishes. Something will remind me of something else or someone will ask me a question and I go off in another direction trying to do something else while my dishes are sitting there un-done. I can't tell you how many projects sat while I started new ones and forgot about the old ones. One time I started a brick pathway in front of my storage shed. Then from there I started my ice chest then my flower bed, then,.....well you get the idea. How many of you go through the same thing? It does feel like you are alone sometimes, with no one to lean on, no family to talk to, oh, I have plenty of family who I talk to, just not about depression.
I have been on SSDI for about five years now because of my depression. A few days ago I was talking to my mom about pills I take for this and her answer was, what do you need depression pills for? I was like, hello. She is not willing to accept that I have depression so I just don't talk to her anymore about it. My husband is almost as bad. Everytime I forget something, which is a lot I admit, he'll say, oh I forgot, you're sick. It hurts even though I know he's kidding. I think.
Depression also causes weight gain so I have to fight to maintain just to be a fatty normal. I walk sometimes when my energy level allows me to. I have to watch very carefully what I eat so I mark it down on a notebook I leave on the counter. I have frozen shoulders, both sides, not that it's a sympton of depression I just thought I'd tell you.
