Miracles.
A miracle.
It's a miracle you're alive, Gen, it's a miracle her heart was healthy enough, a miracle your blood types matched well.
A miracle that the children's hospital is devoid of any cancer patients except the occasional checkup to make sure they are still doing well.
A miracle that your unborn cousin was allowed to live.
Most people go their whole lives without getting such a personal miracle. You got a few!
You must feel so blessed.
This is what everyone on the street has been telling me. I got a miracle. I must feel so blessed.
They all seem to forget one detail: I lost my baby sister. The world lost someome! Someome who would have made an incredible impact on the world if she would have been given the chance.
Where was her miracle?
After a couple days in the hospital, the doctor had sent me home with an extra stethoscope of his, in case I wanted to hear her heart beat inside me.
Now, I'm just sitting on my bed, a steady stream of silent tears making their way down my face as I listen to the steady rhythm of the strongest heart I've ever known.
Blinking at the ceiling and swallowing hard, all I can think to say to God is,
Please just... Hold me tightly...
Bridget walks into the room and my silent grief threatens to turn into a raging storm.
Her cheeks are wet too. She simply sits beside me and wraps her arm around me, resting her head on my shoulder.
We don't often have words anymore. We simply need to know the other is there.
"I love you," Bridget whispers.
I answer by squeezing her hand.
And we just sit in each other's arms for... I don't know how long.
Other family members stroll in and out, trying to offer comfort, assuring me I should feel no guilt for having her heart...
It's all a haze honestly.
And then Aunt Cassie walks in.
"Hey Genevieve," she greets quietly.
I look up at her and slowly remove the stethoscope from my ears.
She did something awesome according to Natalie. Do I get to know what it is now?
I glance at Bridget watch as a ghost of a smile appears on her face.
"Hey Aunt Cassie..." I reply, barely audible.
She presses her lips in a fine line and sits beside me on the bed.
"I have something to tell you. Big news."
I raise my eyebrows on curiosity and wait for her to continue.
"I... Am starting my own business."
I nod slowly, happy for her but wondering why Natalie would talk about this to me after a heart transplant surgery. And why it's being brought up right now.
"Congratulations," I say, forcing myself to smile.
She nods her thanks and then licks her lips nervously.
"It's um... It's going to be called 'Lacy's Legacy of Love.' Or 'Triple L' for short."
She lets out an awkard laugh as my eyes go wide-and wet.
"Wait... What?"
"It's going to be a crisis pregnancy center. After all it's because of Lacy's example that my baby will live..."
As my jaw drops and I let out a happy gasp of disbelief, she starts rambling.
"Of course, I'm no doctor, but we'll hire whoever we need. I can give consueling to women in situations similar to mine in order to encourage them and make sure they know what wonderful mothers they can and will make. I have a counseuling degree."
She smiles and rubs her own growing abdomen.
"I've learned a lot from you and also just behind the scenes... Anyway I think I'm ready to help others. Of course, getting it all built and official and everything will... Take quite a while but..."
The tears are coming rapidly now, and I'm not sure what to say except,
"Thank you."
Aunt Cassie smiles and her own eyes grow moist.
"It's way past time I start building a new life for myself."
*************
Weeks go by and no one seems to feel like saying much else to me.
Until one day, Mama drops the big question me.
I am sitting alone at the breakfast table, the only one to decide to get up as of yet.
"Honey... We need to talk about what you want to do... Who you want to live with."
I drop my spoon into my bowl and it makes a loud clang.
Mama looks over at me sympathetically.
"We don't have to talk about this now if you don't want to."
I glance over at her and hate the way she still looks so... tired...
"Wow, ok, um... No, it's ok, we need to," I answer slowly.
She smiles at the floor and then comes over and pulls up a chair next to me.
"Your dad, Papa, and I all agreed. We don't want a huge, messy custody battle. That wouldn't be fair to you, or any of the kids. Where you go is your choice and either way, you always have a home here."
I bite my lip and refuse to cry as a million and seven different thoughts fight for dominance in my brain.
I am suddenly exteremly aware of how unprepared I am for this choice to be laid solely on me.
I can't pick an adoptove family over blood can I?
But after everything I've been through with the Tolias I can't possibly leave them, can I?
I squeeze my eyes shut and imagine a life without constant reminders of Lacy.
Althougth I am ashamed to say so, for a moment that image gave me pure and utter relief. But it was soon followed by fear. Fear of forgetting how much I love her.
But Daddy...
"I... I can't," I squeak.
Mama grabs my hand. "Can't what, honey?"
"I can't. I can't choose."
My head is shaking and shaking and shaking and.... I am shaking and...
"Well Gen, it's a huge descion. Your dad found an apartement not more than five minutes from here. Think about it ok?"
She gets up and leaves me to my thoughts. My eyes wander the dining room as if I were seeing it for the first time. My gaze catches some of my father's things, strewn about in the open living room across from where I'm sitting.
I take in a deep breath and notice the scent of the place that I have learned to call home. And then I close my eyes and I am back in my daddy's arms when I thought I never would be again.
Stuck in an impossible choice between two realities where I've existed... Where I've been.
But as if the answer was dropped on my head, I suddenly know what I have to do.
Hey guys! Long time, no chapter, I know, sorry!! But I am hoping to get the epilogue up today. Epilogue. UGH I know!!!! I promise to make it as awesome as possible haha!
Thank you for sticking with me all this time! Stay tuned for the epilogue, the author's note, and then a sneak peek at my upcoming fantasy novel!!!!
